I stood with a gun in my hand, ready to shoot, when I saw a 13 year old boy among the protesters and was shattered. Even though he had a scar in his cheek, from corner of his mouth to his ear, I recognized he was my cousin who had been taken 3 years earlier. But wasn`t he supposed to be in some institute, where people tried to cure him and where he worked for the society? Why he had a scar? What had happened to him? Slowly I started to understand, like fog had withdrawn from my mind.
The truth, which I had always known but refused to see, hit me straight in the face. I dropped my gun and buried my face into my hands, weeping. The other soldiers seemed to understand the same thing, and soon almost all of them had dropped their weapons. Battle, fear and torture was finally over. But what would happen next?
In the following days Angel Friends Society sent interviews of Angels on TV, and in a few days, almost all Americans were on their side. A week later, the authorities finally gave up, resigned and the Angels were freed. Mr. Shadows held a speech in Washington, which was also shown live on TV:
"Last week, we opened our eyes and saw the cruel world, a world where children are sold and kept as slaves. But I know that we will be able to work better. It's time for a new society. Society, which is based on cooperation and democracy, not regulations and control. For society without winners and losers, society where people take care of and respect each other. Never again will any person be regarded as a slave or treated as inferior. Never again will anyone be used as a tool for obtaining money or power. Never again will we close our eyes from the suffering of others, or let fear and hatred blind us. "
maanantai 8. joulukuuta 2014
lauantai 22. marraskuuta 2014
I created a support group for non-offending boylovers
So, I created support group for non-offending boylovers and girllovers in FB. Please join! Rules: no sexual content or images, no outing anyone. Welcome :) https://www.facebook.com/groups/318055798399480/
torstai 20. marraskuuta 2014
Turning 18, coming out, finals :)
Hi, I haven`t written here for a while... I still don`t have a new chapter, but thought I would write about myself a little.
So, I just turned 18, and we celebrated it in London, where I also met my awesome friend Cherylee! :) She is 53, but we surprisingly lot in common.
I have also came out as transgender to my parents about two months ago. mum doesn`t seem to believe, and dad doesn´t really care one way or another. Apart from my haircut and few clothes, nothing has really changed.
Well, I will get back soon
tiistai 27. toukokuuta 2014
Why support full marriage equalty?
A Call to Solidarity
Most people are familiar with the struggle of gays and lesbians to have the freedom to marry in the USA and many other places around the world. Some people can remember the struggle for interracial marriage in the USA. When someone cites the freedom for polygamous marriage or consanguineous marriage, some people dismiss those ideas. As disappointing as that is, it is not surprising.
Some LGBT people don’t understand the desire for polygamous or consanguineous marriage, often because the LGBT people discussing the issue aren’t interested in such relationships, or they find the very idea of them repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.
Likewise, some people may want the freedom to polygynous marriage, but don’t understand polyandry or grouping, or same-gender marriage, or consanguineous relationships, or even interracial relationships, and find those ideas repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.
And there are people involved in heterosexual consanguineous relationships who don’t want to get married and don’t understand or are repulsed by same-gender relationships or polyamorous relationships, and so don’t see the need for those groups to have the freedom to marry.
There are people who experience Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) who refrain from acting on their feelings and want to stop other people from acting on their GSA, or they don’t believe in or condemn FSA (Familial Sexual Attraction, which is between people who were not separated like with GSA), and don’t understand the need for consanguineous marriage.
Like many heterosexuals, some LGBT people do not want to get married, and may struggle to see just how important the freedom to marry is.
There are interracial couples in the USA who have exercised their freedom to marry, something that would have been denied to them not long ago, who do not see the need for others to have their freedom to marry.
All of these people have something in common. They all face denial of their rights, discrimination, and sometimes worse in many places around the world just because they don’t pass the sex-negative, heterosexual, monogamous, “racial purity” or nonconsanguineous tests set up by those who want to force everyone else to conform to their narrow view of sexuality and marriage, or want to keep other people from having what they have.
It’s all a matter of fairness and equality. Equality just for some is not equality. A person has the right to not only have a relationship with, but marry the consenting person or persons of his or her choice. It is time to allow everybody to exercise this right. We can get there if we have solidarity. Don’t just stand up for your freedom to marry; stand up for the freedom for all to marry. Don’t just be an ally for a friend’s right to a same-gender marriage; stand of the rights of all. That’s true marriage equality.
You don’t have the like what other people choose to do. If you don’t want a same-gender relationship, or a poly relationship, or an interracial relationship or a consanguineous relationship, or you do not want to get married under any circumstances, that is your choice and you have that freedom. But you should support the rights of other people to choose for themselves. Love is love.
The next time someone says the freedom to marry someone of the same gender will lead to polygamy or incest, instead of throwing other people under the bus, respond with something like, “What’s wrong with letting consenting adults do what they want with each other? I support marriage equality, period. Would you want someone telling you that you couldn’t get married?” We need to let people know that it isn't okay to discriminate. We need to reach out to everyone who is seeking the freedom to marry and let them know they aren't alone.
In addition to fairness, marriage equality will aid the health of those who will finally be able to marry. It will add stability to their relationships and increase stability in communities.
There are people you know - people in your family, neighbors, coworkers, police officers, postal carriers, firefighters, teachers, people of all walks of life - who don't have the freedom to marry the person or persons they love. That's not right.
Let’s all stand up for true equality: full marriage equality.
Most people are familiar with the struggle of gays and lesbians to have the freedom to marry in the USA and many other places around the world. Some people can remember the struggle for interracial marriage in the USA. When someone cites the freedom for polygamous marriage or consanguineous marriage, some people dismiss those ideas. As disappointing as that is, it is not surprising.
Some LGBT people don’t understand the desire for polygamous or consanguineous marriage, often because the LGBT people discussing the issue aren’t interested in such relationships, or they find the very idea of them repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.
Likewise, some people may want the freedom to polygynous marriage, but don’t understand polyandry or grouping, or same-gender marriage, or consanguineous relationships, or even interracial relationships, and find those ideas repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.
And there are people involved in heterosexual consanguineous relationships who don’t want to get married and don’t understand or are repulsed by same-gender relationships or polyamorous relationships, and so don’t see the need for those groups to have the freedom to marry.
There are people who experience Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) who refrain from acting on their feelings and want to stop other people from acting on their GSA, or they don’t believe in or condemn FSA (Familial Sexual Attraction, which is between people who were not separated like with GSA), and don’t understand the need for consanguineous marriage.
Like many heterosexuals, some LGBT people do not want to get married, and may struggle to see just how important the freedom to marry is.
There are interracial couples in the USA who have exercised their freedom to marry, something that would have been denied to them not long ago, who do not see the need for others to have their freedom to marry.
All of these people have something in common. They all face denial of their rights, discrimination, and sometimes worse in many places around the world just because they don’t pass the sex-negative, heterosexual, monogamous, “racial purity” or nonconsanguineous tests set up by those who want to force everyone else to conform to their narrow view of sexuality and marriage, or want to keep other people from having what they have.
It’s all a matter of fairness and equality. Equality just for some is not equality. A person has the right to not only have a relationship with, but marry the consenting person or persons of his or her choice. It is time to allow everybody to exercise this right. We can get there if we have solidarity. Don’t just stand up for your freedom to marry; stand up for the freedom for all to marry. Don’t just be an ally for a friend’s right to a same-gender marriage; stand of the rights of all. That’s true marriage equality.
You don’t have the like what other people choose to do. If you don’t want a same-gender relationship, or a poly relationship, or an interracial relationship or a consanguineous relationship, or you do not want to get married under any circumstances, that is your choice and you have that freedom. But you should support the rights of other people to choose for themselves. Love is love.
The next time someone says the freedom to marry someone of the same gender will lead to polygamy or incest, instead of throwing other people under the bus, respond with something like, “What’s wrong with letting consenting adults do what they want with each other? I support marriage equality, period. Would you want someone telling you that you couldn’t get married?” We need to let people know that it isn't okay to discriminate. We need to reach out to everyone who is seeking the freedom to marry and let them know they aren't alone.
In addition to fairness, marriage equality will aid the health of those who will finally be able to marry. It will add stability to their relationships and increase stability in communities.
There are people you know - people in your family, neighbors, coworkers, police officers, postal carriers, firefighters, teachers, people of all walks of life - who don't have the freedom to marry the person or persons they love. That's not right.
Let’s all stand up for true equality: full marriage equality.
maanantai 31. maaliskuuta 2014
Tobe
My boyfriend, Tobe <3 He is the Sweden to my Finland (literally ;) Well, "boyfriend", we are both agender :) Sorry, this propably doesn`t interest anyone else :D And you will get new chapter when exam week is over :)
maanantai 17. maaliskuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 18
The club was crazy. There was half naked, pierced and weirdly dressed people dancing on some song by Blood on the Dance Floor (I regonised it because Frank had used to listen them) and making out with anyone like it was the last day of their life. When I saw their glowing eyes, I realised it might well be.
They had all used some kind of party drug that stopped them from feeling tiredness, hunger or pain, and instead gave them insatiable sexual desire and euphoria. Sometimes they didn`t work and gave unpredicable emotions and aggression, that`s why they were called freakers. Suddenly young man with unnaturally blue eyes came towards us and said grinning: “Wow, you look shiny, Jan! I never thought you were into dress up games!” Janus rolled his eyes, “Shut down your screamer, Xavier. Pigs are after us, we need you and other Harlequins. Can you hide us?”
I raised my hands: “Hey, wait a minute. Who he is? I`m not going to trust a guy I don`t know.” Janus looked away, clearly embarrassed, and started: “He is Xavier, he gave me his sedatives for sex. He was much nicer than other dealers and let me sleep in his apartment, so slowly we get to know each other. I told him my life story and he told me how his parents had sended him to boarding school. He is bisexual and bi-polar, so of course he was bullied, and when he was 15 he had jumped off the rooftop, trying to kill himself.”
“I almost died for cement poisoning. I ended up in coma, brain damaged and most of my bones broken. I was in coma for three months, and during that time they gave me brain implant. It stimulated the repair of brain tissue, and allowed me to control my artificial limbs after I woke up, but as a programmer and hacker I soon figured out other ways to use it. I had lost part of my memory, and of course couldn`t study last two years again, so they simply connected it to computer and downloaded everything to my brain. “,Xavier told.
“When I get out of hospital year later, I started to develop better operation system and internet browser for the implant. With it, I can surf in Internet, make a phone call or send a text message using only my brain. I am also able to “talk” with anyone who has implant silently, inside our minds. Best part is that no one can manipulate you or send messages directly to your brain. The messages go to implant, and you can choose if you want to watch it. I`m currently trying to make an implant that would use quantum entanglement istead of radio waves. It would be impossible to hack it, and you couldn`t pretend to be someone else, even if you knew their private key.”
I stared at him amazed, and I could see that Frank practicaly worshipped him too. Janus wasn`t as pleased, though. “Okay, you can continue your science lesson some other time. We need some safe place to hide from cops, and I would rather have it today.”
Xavier
perjantai 7. maaliskuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 17
”Okay, we will go to Combat Zones,but what we are gonna do with A`rya?
She can`t go outside with those wings and scorpion spike, we would get
caugh immedistely.” Echelon remembered us. I thought about it for a
moment and got an idea. ”Hey, are our roleplaying costumes still
somewhere? We have to wear cargo jeans, hiking boots, leather jackets
and shooting gloves anyway, in case we need to go to Wasteland. Let`s
take some knives and bows with us, maybe masks too, and pretend we are
going to roleplaying.”
Others agreed, so we changed clothes, packed survival equipment, and took old noisy train to Combat Zones. Before Oil War it was known as New Jersey, but now it was hard to regocnise anymore, the whole state had gone Camden.
The state had had high unemployment rate and lot of debt, and when oil and food prices had skyrocketed and corporations went bankrupt or left the city, the whole state, along with many others, had crashed. USA had tried to save it`s citizens, and went on all-against-all war with China, Russia, and many African and Middle Eastern countries, but though it won some countries it didn`t change anything. Finally in 2046, five years after oil had run out, USA was unable to pay it`s debt or feed it`s citizens. It went bankrupt and sold California and Mid West to multinational corporations, the rest states, with less natural resources but more people, went to China.
Combat Zones was the Edge, border between United America and Wastelands. This was poor, crime ridden area, known by gang violence and low police activity. Only small, unmanned planes and even smaller flying cameras, known as “flies”, watched the area. As we walked to night club called Dancing Devil, I sighed. I had never thought this would be the safest place for me to be.
Others agreed, so we changed clothes, packed survival equipment, and took old noisy train to Combat Zones. Before Oil War it was known as New Jersey, but now it was hard to regocnise anymore, the whole state had gone Camden.
The state had had high unemployment rate and lot of debt, and when oil and food prices had skyrocketed and corporations went bankrupt or left the city, the whole state, along with many others, had crashed. USA had tried to save it`s citizens, and went on all-against-all war with China, Russia, and many African and Middle Eastern countries, but though it won some countries it didn`t change anything. Finally in 2046, five years after oil had run out, USA was unable to pay it`s debt or feed it`s citizens. It went bankrupt and sold California and Mid West to multinational corporations, the rest states, with less natural resources but more people, went to China.
Combat Zones was the Edge, border between United America and Wastelands. This was poor, crime ridden area, known by gang violence and low police activity. Only small, unmanned planes and even smaller flying cameras, known as “flies”, watched the area. As we walked to night club called Dancing Devil, I sighed. I had never thought this would be the safest place for me to be.
keskiviikko 26. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 16
Six months later, mum got out of jail, I guess she was pitied and actually her only crime was to do nothing. Still, I couldn`t understand how she was able to get custody of Nika, even though Nika didn`t trusted on her even the little bit what he trusted on me, and refused to speak or listen to the mum. In a week, it became clear that it didn`t work. Nika didn`t obey mum at all, and hung out in the city late in the evening unless I asked for him to come home and sometimes in spite of it. Mum still treated me like a ghost, if she didn`t yell to me about Nika`s behavior.
In the school where I had went for three months, I faced name calling, laughing, spitting and beating for both of us. I didn`t care what they thought of me, they despised me without knowing me, knowing what I had experienced, but I didn`t let them hurt Nika.
But classmates were not the only ones who gave me black eyes and broken noses and ribs. Mum had of course not stopped running at pubs and brought home the same sick bastards as before, I guess no one else would have even looked at her. Mum thought they were dream-come-true princes and didn`t believed they could have hurt Nika. The matter was not helped by the fact that Nika didn`t say anything, so both at home and at school I tried to defend Nika and tell about bullying and abuse, only to hear that I was a liar and picking a fight.
It was a cruel and cold world, people didn`t care a shit about what happened to the poor brat, and Nika was not able to defend himself. I had to watch when he fucked up his school, and how the scars appeared in his wrists. The worst part, however, was when Nika three months later, in his 12th birthday, appeared late in the evening in my room completely drunk and tried to kiss me. I tried to forget what had happened a year ago, I pushed gently but firmly Nika farther and locked in the bathroom.
I listened to almost half an hour Nika`s shouting, swearing, crying and confessing his love behind the door, until he finally passed out on the hallway floor. I carried Nika to our room and tucked him in the bed, and I realized that things couldn`t go on like this. When a couple of days later, Alex came to ask Morpheus` contact information and told me about his escape, I knew that it was our only chance to escape this life that wouldn`t lead to anywhere but to the bottom, to dead end from which the only escape is death.
In the school where I had went for three months, I faced name calling, laughing, spitting and beating for both of us. I didn`t care what they thought of me, they despised me without knowing me, knowing what I had experienced, but I didn`t let them hurt Nika.
But classmates were not the only ones who gave me black eyes and broken noses and ribs. Mum had of course not stopped running at pubs and brought home the same sick bastards as before, I guess no one else would have even looked at her. Mum thought they were dream-come-true princes and didn`t believed they could have hurt Nika. The matter was not helped by the fact that Nika didn`t say anything, so both at home and at school I tried to defend Nika and tell about bullying and abuse, only to hear that I was a liar and picking a fight.
It was a cruel and cold world, people didn`t care a shit about what happened to the poor brat, and Nika was not able to defend himself. I had to watch when he fucked up his school, and how the scars appeared in his wrists. The worst part, however, was when Nika three months later, in his 12th birthday, appeared late in the evening in my room completely drunk and tried to kiss me. I tried to forget what had happened a year ago, I pushed gently but firmly Nika farther and locked in the bathroom.
I listened to almost half an hour Nika`s shouting, swearing, crying and confessing his love behind the door, until he finally passed out on the hallway floor. I carried Nika to our room and tucked him in the bed, and I realized that things couldn`t go on like this. When a couple of days later, Alex came to ask Morpheus` contact information and told me about his escape, I knew that it was our only chance to escape this life that wouldn`t lead to anywhere but to the bottom, to dead end from which the only escape is death.
sunnuntai 16. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 15
I acted completely instinctively, reacted without thinking further; I grabbed Nika's hand when he got up and he spun around forcibly. I regretted my reaction immediately. Tears fell down his pale cheeks, endless agony and pain shined in his eyes. That was it - that's what I had feared and expected to see from Nika.
"You don`t have to ever forgive me, and you are not even supposed to do so." I began, trying to search for the right words. "But I want you to understand that I`m really so fucking sorry for what I did. I should never have done it to you, I should never have touched you that way..."
But the right words didn`t come. The right words didn`t even exist - no word spoken would change what has happened, and the few words didn`t mattered a shit compared to pain tearing him. My act couldn`t be explained or compensated in any way.
"Don`t you fucking idiot get it?" Nika suddenly asked, frowned his eyebrows from disbelief, and snorted like he was talking to small child who didn`t listen when he was supposed. "You left me. You get away. No other thing have a fucking difference. I'm your fucking brother for God`s sake, same flesh and blood, and you left me here alone!"
Then I realized for the first time that something was seriously wrong in Nika. He wasn`t angry about what I had done to him, but that I had left him alone.
When the bathroom door slammed shut, I stood up. I hardly could have slept any longer, I was already nervous and embarrassed though it was only morning. I made cofee for us and dug breakfast from the fridge. Nika's face was, as usual, expressionless when he looked at meats, cheeses, breads, and cereals I had put on the table. Then he looked me in the eyes and grinned.
"Yeah, you will be good housewife someday." Nika said amusement in his voice, and I could have laughed at the sheer surprise and joy. Pale face`s dimples had stood out just long enough that I knew they were still there, and before so characteristic smile had briefly shown in his eyes. My heart threw a cartwheel and I couldn`t help but grin back.
"Don`t expect too much, you spoiled little brat.", I muttered smiling. Maybe this, after all, could still become something.
Nika ate with a good appetite many loaves of bread, threw his coffee to his throat and get his backpack. He threw his jacket on, put his shoes on quickly and carelessly, and shouted hello from the door. I stared after him smiling foolishly.
Maybe I could still get my brother back.
"You don`t have to ever forgive me, and you are not even supposed to do so." I began, trying to search for the right words. "But I want you to understand that I`m really so fucking sorry for what I did. I should never have done it to you, I should never have touched you that way..."
But the right words didn`t come. The right words didn`t even exist - no word spoken would change what has happened, and the few words didn`t mattered a shit compared to pain tearing him. My act couldn`t be explained or compensated in any way.
"Don`t you fucking idiot get it?" Nika suddenly asked, frowned his eyebrows from disbelief, and snorted like he was talking to small child who didn`t listen when he was supposed. "You left me. You get away. No other thing have a fucking difference. I'm your fucking brother for God`s sake, same flesh and blood, and you left me here alone!"
Then I realized for the first time that something was seriously wrong in Nika. He wasn`t angry about what I had done to him, but that I had left him alone.
When the bathroom door slammed shut, I stood up. I hardly could have slept any longer, I was already nervous and embarrassed though it was only morning. I made cofee for us and dug breakfast from the fridge. Nika's face was, as usual, expressionless when he looked at meats, cheeses, breads, and cereals I had put on the table. Then he looked me in the eyes and grinned.
"Yeah, you will be good housewife someday." Nika said amusement in his voice, and I could have laughed at the sheer surprise and joy. Pale face`s dimples had stood out just long enough that I knew they were still there, and before so characteristic smile had briefly shown in his eyes. My heart threw a cartwheel and I couldn`t help but grin back.
"Don`t expect too much, you spoiled little brat.", I muttered smiling. Maybe this, after all, could still become something.
Nika ate with a good appetite many loaves of bread, threw his coffee to his throat and get his backpack. He threw his jacket on, put his shoes on quickly and carelessly, and shouted hello from the door. I stared after him smiling foolishly.
Maybe I could still get my brother back.
keskiviikko 12. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 14
Nika's breathing slowed, his hand trembled slightly and light sigh escaped between his lips. I knew he had woken up, but I didn`t say anything. I squeezed my eyes close, and I tried unsuccessfully to get my heart to beat more calmly. The neck`s skin felt clammy and cold when Nika pulled his head further, and I felt something in my throat as his eyes drilled holes in my face. He raised his hand a little, put it in my chest, and just stared at me.
Time seemed to have stopped completely, I don`t know how long we layed here motionlessly, I pretending to be sleeping and Nika studying me with his eyes. After a period that seemed like an eternity, Nika suddenly pulled his hand away, sat with his back towards me and spoke.
"I know you are awake."
I wanted to argue with that, continue to pretend I was sleeping, but still I turned my eyes to the t-shirt covered back.
"How did you know that?"
"I make you nervous."
I didn`t know what to say again. I had expected to meet completely different kind of person, I had expected fear, bitterness and disgust. I had imagined Nika would still be the same boy I remembered, but I was sitting in front of a complete stranger, young man whose voice didn`t tremble when he spoke to me. I could not read any kind of emotion from his face, and his eyes didn`t reveal anything he had in his mind. The atmosphere was oppressive and heavy, waiting.
"I don`t know what I should say."
Muffled laugh.
"You could apologize me for a start."
Ice cold stone dropped in my stomach , poison spread into the veins, and breathing became almost impossible.
"I'm so fucking sorry about what happened," I whispered, feeling the familiar burning in the eyes and pressure in the throath. "I would give anything, fuck just anything, if I could get it somehow undone. I never, I never ... I'm so fucking sorry. "
Nika`s shoulders sank and he was shaking. I had never felt so bad before, and I would have wanted to run away. Leave. Get pissed and forget.
"You left me," Nika whispered voice trembling. "Fuck you."
Time seemed to have stopped completely, I don`t know how long we layed here motionlessly, I pretending to be sleeping and Nika studying me with his eyes. After a period that seemed like an eternity, Nika suddenly pulled his hand away, sat with his back towards me and spoke.
"I know you are awake."
I wanted to argue with that, continue to pretend I was sleeping, but still I turned my eyes to the t-shirt covered back.
"How did you know that?"
"I make you nervous."
I didn`t know what to say again. I had expected to meet completely different kind of person, I had expected fear, bitterness and disgust. I had imagined Nika would still be the same boy I remembered, but I was sitting in front of a complete stranger, young man whose voice didn`t tremble when he spoke to me. I could not read any kind of emotion from his face, and his eyes didn`t reveal anything he had in his mind. The atmosphere was oppressive and heavy, waiting.
"I don`t know what I should say."
Muffled laugh.
"You could apologize me for a start."
Ice cold stone dropped in my stomach , poison spread into the veins, and breathing became almost impossible.
"I'm so fucking sorry about what happened," I whispered, feeling the familiar burning in the eyes and pressure in the throath. "I would give anything, fuck just anything, if I could get it somehow undone. I never, I never ... I'm so fucking sorry. "
Nika`s shoulders sank and he was shaking. I had never felt so bad before, and I would have wanted to run away. Leave. Get pissed and forget.
"You left me," Nika whispered voice trembling. "Fuck you."
Alex Foster chapter 13
Fuck. What the hell was wrong with Nika? Maybe I didn`t have the right to even think about it, but the situation was weird and made me feel anxious. Nika should have loathed me, fear me, anything else but this. I would have been able to respond and react to it - the wrath I would have understood and accepted.
"Oh, I think it would be better, however, if you try yet -"
"Please, just tonight."
I looked up to Nika, but his face remained still completely expressionless. It was too dark to see his eyes properly, but it seemed like he hadn`t even blinked them at all. When I said nothing, Nika interpreted it as affirmative reply. He lifted my blanket and slid next to me on his back. I didn`t dare move, just sit straight like a stick, staring at my hands again.
Awareness of the fact that there was only few inches of air between us made my whole body shudder. I didn`t want to be so close to him, it didn`t feel good. I was afraid that if I accidentally touched his leg, he would understand it immediately wrong, and get frightened.
"Can we sleep now?" Nika whispered, and I could swear my heart skipped beats.
Slowly, trying to avoid any kind of physical contact, I slid back on my back next to Nika. I felt his gaze in myself, and forced myself to close my eyes. The Diapams I hade taken few hours earlier seemed to have lost their effect entirely - there was no longer peace.
If I had thought I had been nervous, it was nothing compared to the panic that struck me when Nika moved. Sofa bed yelp quietly when Nika moved his leg against mine, causing my entire lower body burst into flames. His hand went up to touch lightly my ribs, as to test where they were, and then wrapped it all over my chest. Nika's body was pressed against me softly, stubbornly. I bit my tongue and held my breath when Nika put his face against my neck.
He fell asleep almost immediately. His arm`s grip around me loosened a bit, and breathing became smoother, calmer. Even so, he didn`t let go or turn away from me, no, he was sleeping, wrapped in me, and I even thought I felt his lips curved into a smile - exactly like back then.
I didn`t sleep all night even a minute.
"Oh, I think it would be better, however, if you try yet -"
"Please, just tonight."
I looked up to Nika, but his face remained still completely expressionless. It was too dark to see his eyes properly, but it seemed like he hadn`t even blinked them at all. When I said nothing, Nika interpreted it as affirmative reply. He lifted my blanket and slid next to me on his back. I didn`t dare move, just sit straight like a stick, staring at my hands again.
Awareness of the fact that there was only few inches of air between us made my whole body shudder. I didn`t want to be so close to him, it didn`t feel good. I was afraid that if I accidentally touched his leg, he would understand it immediately wrong, and get frightened.
"Can we sleep now?" Nika whispered, and I could swear my heart skipped beats.
Slowly, trying to avoid any kind of physical contact, I slid back on my back next to Nika. I felt his gaze in myself, and forced myself to close my eyes. The Diapams I hade taken few hours earlier seemed to have lost their effect entirely - there was no longer peace.
If I had thought I had been nervous, it was nothing compared to the panic that struck me when Nika moved. Sofa bed yelp quietly when Nika moved his leg against mine, causing my entire lower body burst into flames. His hand went up to touch lightly my ribs, as to test where they were, and then wrapped it all over my chest. Nika's body was pressed against me softly, stubbornly. I bit my tongue and held my breath when Nika put his face against my neck.
He fell asleep almost immediately. His arm`s grip around me loosened a bit, and breathing became smoother, calmer. Even so, he didn`t let go or turn away from me, no, he was sleeping, wrapped in me, and I even thought I felt his lips curved into a smile - exactly like back then.
I didn`t sleep all night even a minute.
maanantai 10. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 12
I would have given anything to get out of there, under all of these eyes, into another dimension, where there was no pain or fear, into paradise where drugs took me. "You owe it to Nika, you owe him a hell lot more." Voice in my head seemed to blow up my mind, and I couldn`t get away from it. I couldn`t reject Nika again, not after what I had done. I would never make up for what has happened, but I had to stay to support and protect him, even if it meant I have to suffer. Nika deserved so much more.
"Oh fuck," I said scratching my head and staring at the floor. "Can you please tell yet again, what would happen next if I stayed here?" And more talking. I rather sensed than saw Nika sit back on the couch, and I once again failed to understand a word from the speech they gave to me now with a little more hopeful tone. When I got tired of pretending to listen to or understand, I nodded.
"Okay, I'll try," I sighed, avoiding people's eyes. "We`ll try."
Nika didn`t answer. The police left quickly, they have enough other work to do. The nurse gave me a packet of Diapams - I nedeed to be able to sleep the first night peacefully. In the future, I would get them from a nearby health center one day at a time, they didn`t want to risk by giving me an armful of pills at once. The social worker said she would come in next day to check the situation and tell what happened next. My cessation treatments and support groups would start as soon as tomorrow, no longer drugs. Even a single mistake, and Nika would be taken directly to school home. I would be turned, with the help of numerous parties, into rational, responsible adult who could take care of his little brother.
I stayed foolishly standing up in the hall, staring at the closed door. When I finally turned around, Nika had lit a cigarette. He was still sitting with his knees bent in front of him and his eyes followed me as I forced myself to sit in the opposite armchair.
"Since when you have been smoking?"
"Since when you have been interested in my doings?"
Fuck. My hands were still shaking as I put couple of pams under my tongue. I lit a cigarette, glancing around at the same time. The apartment looked almost excatly like it had looked three months ago, the only change was Nika`s bed wasn`t in the living room. I should have immediately apologized, to try to explain right now. Say at least something, anything at all. I searched the words in my mind, but they all sounded like goddamn stupid and meaningless, insignificant. Nika stub out his cigarettes against the surface of the table, without removing his eyes from me even for a moment. I had to grab a third Diapam even though the previous ones were not yet fully melted; I was too nervous.
"You look terrible."
I grinned without wanting to, and dared to quickly take a look at Nika. I couldn`t read anything from his face, it still remained impassive. Bruise in my eye had became colorful and flashy, my lower lip was swollen and deformed looking. My clothes were shabby and worn, hair dirty. I didn`t afford to argue with him, so I shut up and nodded.
"I`ll go to sleep", Nika said standing up. "You can borrow my clothes if you want to take a shower, the clean ones are in the blue basket in bathroom." After the shower pams slowly started to affect, I started to feel calmer and a little bit better, even shaking stopped. I was seriously tired, so I spreaded the sofa bed and fell on my back lying on the bed. I finished the cigarette and stayed for a long time staring at the white ceiling above me. In the morning, I would apologize to Nika. My body ached everywhere and tiredness finally forced me to close my eyes. I fell asleep in seconds.
"Janus? Jan, I couldn`t sleep."
I have never in my life woken up so fast. I got to sit säpsähtäen, trying to get my eyes to focus in the darkened room. Nika was standing motionlessly beside the bed, his hands squeezed in fists and face completely expressionless. "You couldn`t sleep?" I repeated slowly, trying to stop myself from remembering when I had heard that last time from the same lips, and where it had led. "Well, fuck, smoke a cigarette, drink a glass of milk, I don`t know, just try again. The dream will eventually come."
Blood roared in my ears when I looked down in my hands. Heart felt like it was trying to get through my chest, my fingers were shaking, and cold shivers crept down my spine. I felt uncomfortable and stupid - I didn`t know what to say. The silence seemed to last an eternity.
"Can I sleep next to you?"
"Oh fuck," I said scratching my head and staring at the floor. "Can you please tell yet again, what would happen next if I stayed here?" And more talking. I rather sensed than saw Nika sit back on the couch, and I once again failed to understand a word from the speech they gave to me now with a little more hopeful tone. When I got tired of pretending to listen to or understand, I nodded.
"Okay, I'll try," I sighed, avoiding people's eyes. "We`ll try."
Nika didn`t answer. The police left quickly, they have enough other work to do. The nurse gave me a packet of Diapams - I nedeed to be able to sleep the first night peacefully. In the future, I would get them from a nearby health center one day at a time, they didn`t want to risk by giving me an armful of pills at once. The social worker said she would come in next day to check the situation and tell what happened next. My cessation treatments and support groups would start as soon as tomorrow, no longer drugs. Even a single mistake, and Nika would be taken directly to school home. I would be turned, with the help of numerous parties, into rational, responsible adult who could take care of his little brother.
I stayed foolishly standing up in the hall, staring at the closed door. When I finally turned around, Nika had lit a cigarette. He was still sitting with his knees bent in front of him and his eyes followed me as I forced myself to sit in the opposite armchair.
"Since when you have been smoking?"
"Since when you have been interested in my doings?"
Fuck. My hands were still shaking as I put couple of pams under my tongue. I lit a cigarette, glancing around at the same time. The apartment looked almost excatly like it had looked three months ago, the only change was Nika`s bed wasn`t in the living room. I should have immediately apologized, to try to explain right now. Say at least something, anything at all. I searched the words in my mind, but they all sounded like goddamn stupid and meaningless, insignificant. Nika stub out his cigarettes against the surface of the table, without removing his eyes from me even for a moment. I had to grab a third Diapam even though the previous ones were not yet fully melted; I was too nervous.
"You look terrible."
I grinned without wanting to, and dared to quickly take a look at Nika. I couldn`t read anything from his face, it still remained impassive. Bruise in my eye had became colorful and flashy, my lower lip was swollen and deformed looking. My clothes were shabby and worn, hair dirty. I didn`t afford to argue with him, so I shut up and nodded.
"I`ll go to sleep", Nika said standing up. "You can borrow my clothes if you want to take a shower, the clean ones are in the blue basket in bathroom." After the shower pams slowly started to affect, I started to feel calmer and a little bit better, even shaking stopped. I was seriously tired, so I spreaded the sofa bed and fell on my back lying on the bed. I finished the cigarette and stayed for a long time staring at the white ceiling above me. In the morning, I would apologize to Nika. My body ached everywhere and tiredness finally forced me to close my eyes. I fell asleep in seconds.
"Janus? Jan, I couldn`t sleep."
I have never in my life woken up so fast. I got to sit säpsähtäen, trying to get my eyes to focus in the darkened room. Nika was standing motionlessly beside the bed, his hands squeezed in fists and face completely expressionless. "You couldn`t sleep?" I repeated slowly, trying to stop myself from remembering when I had heard that last time from the same lips, and where it had led. "Well, fuck, smoke a cigarette, drink a glass of milk, I don`t know, just try again. The dream will eventually come."
Blood roared in my ears when I looked down in my hands. Heart felt like it was trying to get through my chest, my fingers were shaking, and cold shivers crept down my spine. I felt uncomfortable and stupid - I didn`t know what to say. The silence seemed to last an eternity.
"Can I sleep next to you?"
torstai 6. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 11
"I don`t know how to take care of him", I mumbled looking away. Fuck, I didn`t even know how to take care of myself. I was 16 year old baby who had nothing to give to anyone. If I wasn`t in drugs or drunk, I was shaking for withdrawal symptoms and hated myself. I payed my messing around with sex, and my only property was old, broken photo of me and Nika in my pocket. In summer I slept in park benches, in winter in tunnels, I was completely worthless, society`s dirty parasite who had no direction in his life.
"Then their only option is to take him into custody, he can`t live with your mum and that man who abuses him. But you could at least come and see your brother, he is only crying after you.", Morpheus said with a sigh. I thought I had gone through a hell three months ago, but now even greater pain flashed through my body. "After me?" My voice trembled, "Are you sure?"
Morpheus smiled little sadly and lit his cigarette. "You, you! And he wont stop for a moment. He needs his brother now."
I was way too sober to listen him. Last customer had only given me black eye, and that meant I had no money to buy anything to escape the reality. But withdrawal symptoms were nothing compared to the pain Morpheus` words made me feel. Fear went through me in wawes, I was dizzy and felt like throwing up. All the old wounds were ripped open, and it hurt me. Hurt more than ever before - more than you could imagine human is able to stand. My whole past seemed to flash in my mind, from Nika`s birth to the moment I left, and I wanted to scream.
I was afraid how Nika would react seeing me in the door. I would be greeted by a huge amount of disgust and bitterness, a tremendous amount of fear and outright hatred, and I did not know what I could say or do when confronted with it all. There was nothing I could do to fix or erase what had happened.
The door was opened by middle aged woman with warm smile and tired eyes. Six people were introduced to me - social workers, police officers, a nurse. I did not hear their names or see their faces, just shake hands with people with my trembling hand, while seeking Nika among them. I was already about to ask where he is, but the words died on my lips when my eyes met the young man seated on the couch.
Nika had changed in three months to total stranger. He stared at me blankly, knees against his chest and arms wrapped around the legs. He was skinny, face narrow and plain, his hair dyed. Blond angel curls were gone, replaced by messy black hair sticking to every direction. Dimples were gone too, and in his reddish eyes you could not see the warmth and brightness that used to be so characteristic to him. And there he just quietly, staring at me, without saying a word. I did not know that young man, he was not the Nika I had expected to meet.
I turned my eyes away from blue eyes quickly, I had to.
People were talking after talking, I nodded from time to time to show I was listening, but honestly I didn`t understand a word. Meaningless words about social services, support and assistance, AA-groups and substance abuse work, mum and some man`s court case, my unfinished school, apartment, Nika`s school. I stared straigh in front of me, without being able to focus my eyes to anything. My eyes were burning, and I was feeling sick.
"Janus? Are you sill in favor of taking Nika into custody?", the same woman who had opened the door asked. I did not dare to look at Nika, but I sensed he had risen to his feet. "Jan, I beg ..." he whispered softly, voice trembling from tears he hold back. "Do not let them take me away from here."
"Then their only option is to take him into custody, he can`t live with your mum and that man who abuses him. But you could at least come and see your brother, he is only crying after you.", Morpheus said with a sigh. I thought I had gone through a hell three months ago, but now even greater pain flashed through my body. "After me?" My voice trembled, "Are you sure?"
Morpheus smiled little sadly and lit his cigarette. "You, you! And he wont stop for a moment. He needs his brother now."
I was way too sober to listen him. Last customer had only given me black eye, and that meant I had no money to buy anything to escape the reality. But withdrawal symptoms were nothing compared to the pain Morpheus` words made me feel. Fear went through me in wawes, I was dizzy and felt like throwing up. All the old wounds were ripped open, and it hurt me. Hurt more than ever before - more than you could imagine human is able to stand. My whole past seemed to flash in my mind, from Nika`s birth to the moment I left, and I wanted to scream.
I was afraid how Nika would react seeing me in the door. I would be greeted by a huge amount of disgust and bitterness, a tremendous amount of fear and outright hatred, and I did not know what I could say or do when confronted with it all. There was nothing I could do to fix or erase what had happened.
The door was opened by middle aged woman with warm smile and tired eyes. Six people were introduced to me - social workers, police officers, a nurse. I did not hear their names or see their faces, just shake hands with people with my trembling hand, while seeking Nika among them. I was already about to ask where he is, but the words died on my lips when my eyes met the young man seated on the couch.
Nika had changed in three months to total stranger. He stared at me blankly, knees against his chest and arms wrapped around the legs. He was skinny, face narrow and plain, his hair dyed. Blond angel curls were gone, replaced by messy black hair sticking to every direction. Dimples were gone too, and in his reddish eyes you could not see the warmth and brightness that used to be so characteristic to him. And there he just quietly, staring at me, without saying a word. I did not know that young man, he was not the Nika I had expected to meet.
I turned my eyes away from blue eyes quickly, I had to.
People were talking after talking, I nodded from time to time to show I was listening, but honestly I didn`t understand a word. Meaningless words about social services, support and assistance, AA-groups and substance abuse work, mum and some man`s court case, my unfinished school, apartment, Nika`s school. I stared straigh in front of me, without being able to focus my eyes to anything. My eyes were burning, and I was feeling sick.
"Janus? Are you sill in favor of taking Nika into custody?", the same woman who had opened the door asked. I did not dare to look at Nika, but I sensed he had risen to his feet. "Jan, I beg ..." he whispered softly, voice trembling from tears he hold back. "Do not let them take me away from here."
maanantai 3. helmikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 10
Childish defiance burned in Nika`s eyes when he sneaked in my room at night, sat on my bed and smiled his most nerve-racking smile. "I can`t sleep", he uesd to say, and with a sigh I let him under my blanket. He was soft and warm, his arms wrapped instantly around me and his face buried in my neck. It was unbelievable how fast fell asleep there, hanging on to me, smiling. These nights I started to hate Nika again, he stole my family, broke the last good thing I had. I lay awake for hours, motionlessly staring the ceiling, until finally I always woke up Nika and told him to go away.
Year later I stole my mum`s boozes. It made me feel dizzy and forget everything so I kept doing it. I quit school, got friends who were much older than me, spent less and less time at home and hated my family more than ever before. As it always goes, tolerance grows fast and soon I started to use drugs. These cost real money which I of course didn`t have, and when I was 14 I gave my body to dealer for few ecstasy pills. It was sick and disgusting at first, but you get numb at everything as time goes.
I turned 15 and summer started, when mum said she was going to send me to school home. She said she couldn`t care less what I do with my life, but I wasn`t part of their life anymore. I was bad role model to Nika, mum`s golden boy, who admired me and wanted to be exactly like his big brother. She said it would be better if I took overdose, I would do favor to whole world.
Blinding rage was tearing me apart and I was completely helpless in front of it. I wanted to hurt my mum, hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Hurt Nika, that bastard, who made my life so difficult, because of who I was in bottom. If Nika hadn`t been born, maybe mum would have loved me. LSD took me on bad trip, I was messed up, panicked and paranoid.
I didn`t remember much about it afterwards, and at some point I refused to remember that night at all. I was so in drugs that I can see it only as disgusting flashes that make me hate and loathe myself more and more each day: Nika`s small fists in tight grip, his back tisted for pain, tears in his face and blood on the sheets. Regret and self-loathe hit me at the moment I understood what I had done. I didn`t take anything with me, didn`t say sorry, didn`t even looked at him. I left him in the bed, ran out of the house I used to call my home, and throw up. I throw up over and over again, I throw up until only bloody mess came out.
In three months I had almost completely managed to deny it ever happened, to deny I even have a family. I had built walls around me for lies and self-deception, let drugs suck me in completely with them.
Then one day, when I was sitting in underground tunnels because there was warmer, not far from my previous home, hungry and already hands shaking little for withdrawal symptons, man named Morpheus came to talk to me: "Hey, I can see you haven`t had an easy life. I don`t know what has happened between you and your family, but now is good time to start over. I can help you clean, but you have to take a hold of yourself. Your brother needs you," he said looking away, " to take care of him and support him."
Year later I stole my mum`s boozes. It made me feel dizzy and forget everything so I kept doing it. I quit school, got friends who were much older than me, spent less and less time at home and hated my family more than ever before. As it always goes, tolerance grows fast and soon I started to use drugs. These cost real money which I of course didn`t have, and when I was 14 I gave my body to dealer for few ecstasy pills. It was sick and disgusting at first, but you get numb at everything as time goes.
I turned 15 and summer started, when mum said she was going to send me to school home. She said she couldn`t care less what I do with my life, but I wasn`t part of their life anymore. I was bad role model to Nika, mum`s golden boy, who admired me and wanted to be exactly like his big brother. She said it would be better if I took overdose, I would do favor to whole world.
Blinding rage was tearing me apart and I was completely helpless in front of it. I wanted to hurt my mum, hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Hurt Nika, that bastard, who made my life so difficult, because of who I was in bottom. If Nika hadn`t been born, maybe mum would have loved me. LSD took me on bad trip, I was messed up, panicked and paranoid.
I didn`t remember much about it afterwards, and at some point I refused to remember that night at all. I was so in drugs that I can see it only as disgusting flashes that make me hate and loathe myself more and more each day: Nika`s small fists in tight grip, his back tisted for pain, tears in his face and blood on the sheets. Regret and self-loathe hit me at the moment I understood what I had done. I didn`t take anything with me, didn`t say sorry, didn`t even looked at him. I left him in the bed, ran out of the house I used to call my home, and throw up. I throw up over and over again, I throw up until only bloody mess came out.
In three months I had almost completely managed to deny it ever happened, to deny I even have a family. I had built walls around me for lies and self-deception, let drugs suck me in completely with them.
Then one day, when I was sitting in underground tunnels because there was warmer, not far from my previous home, hungry and already hands shaking little for withdrawal symptons, man named Morpheus came to talk to me: "Hey, I can see you haven`t had an easy life. I don`t know what has happened between you and your family, but now is good time to start over. I can help you clean, but you have to take a hold of yourself. Your brother needs you," he said looking away, " to take care of him and support him."
perjantai 31. tammikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 9
Mum found again her old friend booze and taking care of Nika was more and more often on my shoulders. I was kid myself, not even six yet, but I wanted to take care of him as well as Erik had done. I learned to change his diapers right after funeral, gave my old toys to him and told stories at night. All hate towards Nika was gone, only endless love was left. I laid on the floor and pouted my lips. Nika crawled to me, gave slobbery kiss and laughed. I had learned to love that laugh, dimples in his round face, everything in him. Every time I heard door closed after mum went to bar, I got up from bed and sneaked to Nika`s bed. I kissed his soft lips and said good night.
From some of the men my mum took home I remember only vaguely scraping beard on my face, sweaty and harsh hands on my body and beer-stinking breath on my mouth. Mum threw them out immediately she heard they had touched me, but blamed me for it. I had spoiled his dream prices, I had made them more interested about me than her, everything was always my fault.
Nika was seven years old when mum saw me kissing him in the porch. She shouted and raged completely drunk, tore Nika inside, and smashed the door close in front of me.
Ever since I didn`t exist to mom. I became invisible, non-existent, and my mom no longer even looked at me. I wasn`t allowed to play with Nika, to speak with him, to touch him. I walked in my own home like some fucking ghost, without getting any reaction to my words or actions. I feeded with silence and shame my anger that has growed inside me for years, until I didn`t even recognise myself anymore. I couldn`t understand then, and not really even now, how mother can reject her own child like that.
From some of the men my mum took home I remember only vaguely scraping beard on my face, sweaty and harsh hands on my body and beer-stinking breath on my mouth. Mum threw them out immediately she heard they had touched me, but blamed me for it. I had spoiled his dream prices, I had made them more interested about me than her, everything was always my fault.
Nika was seven years old when mum saw me kissing him in the porch. She shouted and raged completely drunk, tore Nika inside, and smashed the door close in front of me.
Ever since I didn`t exist to mom. I became invisible, non-existent, and my mom no longer even looked at me. I wasn`t allowed to play with Nika, to speak with him, to touch him. I walked in my own home like some fucking ghost, without getting any reaction to my words or actions. I feeded with silence and shame my anger that has growed inside me for years, until I didn`t even recognise myself anymore. I couldn`t understand then, and not really even now, how mother can reject her own child like that.
torstai 30. tammikuuta 2014
Alex Foster chapter 8
I had told to myself for the past three months that my family had died.
Father I had never even had, he had left after he heard about his upcoming child. Mum blamed my birth for destroying her life and dreams, and sought comfort from the booze. She left me alone at home, and went looking for a savior of her life to smoke-filled boozers. Sometimes she grabbed even quite nice guys, but these relationships never lasted for long, no sane person could stand for long my mum`s devastating self-pity and constant drinking.
I was 4 when my mum met Erik. They fell in love fierily, married each other in registry office after dating for a week, and my mum stopped drinking because of Erik. Erik considered me immediately as his own son, and I worshiped him just as much as my mum. Soon my mum noticed she was pregnant again, and Erik`s eyes had a new kind of glow. I tried pointlessly to compete with the unborn king, we competed in a completely different category, and I started to hate Nika with my whole five-year-old`s grit. Erik just smiled to my attention-seeking.
Nika was six months old when Erik started to cough blood. Doctors gave their best, but finally lung cancer won. In Erik's funeral Nika shouted and cryied covering priest's speech, and mum put him in my arms with heart-breaking tirednesd in her face.
I had never even wanted to touch Nika - I couldn`t stand him. Here I sat anyway, holding a baby whose crying just got louder while I watched him. I didn`t knew what to say or do; I tried stiffly to rock him but it only seemed to make things worse. The neighbor's lady told me to go outside to wait with Nika, and the priest continued to talk as I walked into the bright sunshine.
"Shut up, you idiot," I snapped angrily, but Nika didn`t stop crying. It kicked, clenched fists and shouted, face red. I just wanted to somehow silence him, and I pressed my lips hesitantly to Nika's mouth. My mom had done so to Erik always when Erik was angry, and finally he had forgived and laughed. Nika silenced immediately. He looked at me completely expressinlessly, blue eyes wide and mouth open. His hands lighted their grip a little and kicking stopped. As to make sure he would stay silent, I gave him another kiss that lasted longer than first one and tasted salty. Nika smiled and talked jibberish, and I didn`t even noticed I was smiling too.
Father I had never even had, he had left after he heard about his upcoming child. Mum blamed my birth for destroying her life and dreams, and sought comfort from the booze. She left me alone at home, and went looking for a savior of her life to smoke-filled boozers. Sometimes she grabbed even quite nice guys, but these relationships never lasted for long, no sane person could stand for long my mum`s devastating self-pity and constant drinking.
I was 4 when my mum met Erik. They fell in love fierily, married each other in registry office after dating for a week, and my mum stopped drinking because of Erik. Erik considered me immediately as his own son, and I worshiped him just as much as my mum. Soon my mum noticed she was pregnant again, and Erik`s eyes had a new kind of glow. I tried pointlessly to compete with the unborn king, we competed in a completely different category, and I started to hate Nika with my whole five-year-old`s grit. Erik just smiled to my attention-seeking.
Nika was six months old when Erik started to cough blood. Doctors gave their best, but finally lung cancer won. In Erik's funeral Nika shouted and cryied covering priest's speech, and mum put him in my arms with heart-breaking tirednesd in her face.
I had never even wanted to touch Nika - I couldn`t stand him. Here I sat anyway, holding a baby whose crying just got louder while I watched him. I didn`t knew what to say or do; I tried stiffly to rock him but it only seemed to make things worse. The neighbor's lady told me to go outside to wait with Nika, and the priest continued to talk as I walked into the bright sunshine.
"Shut up, you idiot," I snapped angrily, but Nika didn`t stop crying. It kicked, clenched fists and shouted, face red. I just wanted to somehow silence him, and I pressed my lips hesitantly to Nika's mouth. My mom had done so to Erik always when Erik was angry, and finally he had forgived and laughed. Nika silenced immediately. He looked at me completely expressinlessly, blue eyes wide and mouth open. His hands lighted their grip a little and kicking stopped. As to make sure he would stay silent, I gave him another kiss that lasted longer than first one and tasted salty. Nika smiled and talked jibberish, and I didn`t even noticed I was smiling too.
sunnuntai 26. tammikuuta 2014
Forgotten children 21. chapter
I looked at the soldiers standing in front of me, but even though they were much better armed than us, I wasn`t afraid. I had nothing to lose, I was ready to die for freedom and better society. For a long time I hadn`t been pure and innocent like Angels usually were.
Seven years ago I had noticed feathers in my back and told my parents, thinking they would help and protect me, but instead they got frightened and took me to the police. My parents had always been ideal citizens: they worked hard with low wage, believed everything they saw on the news, and never questioned anything, not even entertainment or consumerism. Now afterwards my parent`s reaction felt obvious, goverment`s propaganda had blurred their understanding about right and wrong, and they thought they were doing the right thing, though it sounds unbelievable.
I was forced to go to training where they broke our will. We could be for days without food or sleep, and we were beaten and humiliated constantly. That hell lasted for three months, and I thought that nothing could be worse, but I was wrong. After the training I was sold to a local politician who abused me.
When he first time left me lying on the basement floor, crying and bleeding, something broke inside me. Other people had abandoned and forgotten me for long time ago, but now even I lost myself. After that day I was empty, I just stared in front of me without being able to talk. I didn`t feel anything they did to me, it was like I was lost inside my head.
I wouldn`t have survived for long if other boy, around 14 years old, hadn`t feeded and taken care of me. Finally, probably three months later, we were saved and taken to the Angel City where I had slowly recovered over the years. Still, I would always be broken and could never forget what they have done to me. Now was my time to take revenge.
Seven years ago I had noticed feathers in my back and told my parents, thinking they would help and protect me, but instead they got frightened and took me to the police. My parents had always been ideal citizens: they worked hard with low wage, believed everything they saw on the news, and never questioned anything, not even entertainment or consumerism. Now afterwards my parent`s reaction felt obvious, goverment`s propaganda had blurred their understanding about right and wrong, and they thought they were doing the right thing, though it sounds unbelievable.
I was forced to go to training where they broke our will. We could be for days without food or sleep, and we were beaten and humiliated constantly. That hell lasted for three months, and I thought that nothing could be worse, but I was wrong. After the training I was sold to a local politician who abused me.
When he first time left me lying on the basement floor, crying and bleeding, something broke inside me. Other people had abandoned and forgotten me for long time ago, but now even I lost myself. After that day I was empty, I just stared in front of me without being able to talk. I didn`t feel anything they did to me, it was like I was lost inside my head.
I wouldn`t have survived for long if other boy, around 14 years old, hadn`t feeded and taken care of me. Finally, probably three months later, we were saved and taken to the Angel City where I had slowly recovered over the years. Still, I would always be broken and could never forget what they have done to me. Now was my time to take revenge.
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