I miss him so fucking much

It`s been almost year since I understood that I`m boylover and sometimes I feel myself so lonely, although I have Rev, Michael and little Alex. I would have probably gone crazy without them, but imagine boyfriend can`t replace real people. I hope I would met somebody who understand how it feels like to love somebody you can never get, and know you will have these feelings for your whole life.

People think it`s easy to fight against your feelings, that it`s as easy as resist chockolate, but the need is must stronger. Being boylover is pretty much same as being alcoholist: you have to fight against your feelings every day, and sometimes it`s really hard. I`m scared that some day I`m not strong enough. I don`t wanna hurt anybody, even my thoughts make me feel sick and disgusting. But at the same time I wanna stop fighting, feel him in my arms, filling the hole inside me.

Luckily I have even Rev. I close my eyes, feel his arms around me, and pretend that he really exist, that at least he loves me unconditionally and protects me. But when bad day comes, even that is not enough.

R.I.P Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan 28.12.2009 I will always love you <3