I would have given anything to get out of there, under all of these eyes, into another dimension, where there was no pain or fear, into paradise where drugs took me. "You owe it to Nika, you owe him a hell lot more." Voice in my head seemed to blow up my mind, and I couldn`t get away from it. I couldn`t reject Nika again, not after what I had done. I would never make up for what has happened, but I had to stay to support and protect him, even if it meant I have to suffer. Nika deserved so much more.
"Oh fuck," I said scratching my head and staring at the floor. "Can you please tell yet again, what would happen next if I stayed here?" And more talking. I rather sensed than saw Nika sit back on the couch, and I once again failed to understand a word from the speech they gave to me now with a little more hopeful tone. When I got tired of pretending to listen to or understand, I nodded.
"Okay, I'll try," I sighed, avoiding people's eyes. "We`ll try."
Nika didn`t answer. The police left quickly, they have enough other work to do. The nurse gave me a packet of Diapams - I nedeed to be able to sleep the first night peacefully. In the future, I would get them from a nearby health center one day at a time, they didn`t want to risk by giving me an armful of pills at once. The social worker said she would come in next day to check the situation and tell what happened next. My cessation treatments and support groups would start as soon as tomorrow, no longer drugs. Even a single mistake, and Nika would be taken directly to school home. I would be turned, with the help of numerous parties, into rational, responsible adult who could take care of his little brother.
I stayed foolishly standing up in the hall, staring at the closed door. When I finally turned around, Nika had lit a cigarette. He was still sitting with his knees bent in front of him and his eyes followed me as I forced myself to sit in the opposite armchair.
"Since when you have been smoking?"
"Since when you have been interested in my doings?"
Fuck. My hands were still shaking as I put couple of pams under my tongue. I lit a cigarette, glancing around at the same time. The apartment looked almost excatly like it had looked three months ago, the only change was Nika`s bed wasn`t in the living room. I should have immediately apologized, to try to explain right now. Say at least something, anything at all. I searched the words in my mind, but they all sounded like goddamn stupid and meaningless, insignificant. Nika stub out his cigarettes against the surface of the table, without removing his eyes from me even for a moment. I had to grab a third Diapam even though the previous ones were not yet fully melted; I was too nervous.
"You look terrible."
I grinned without wanting to, and dared to quickly take a look at Nika. I couldn`t read anything from his face, it still remained impassive. Bruise in my eye had became colorful and flashy, my lower lip was swollen and deformed looking. My clothes were shabby and worn, hair dirty. I didn`t afford to argue with him, so I shut up and nodded.
"I`ll go to sleep", Nika said standing up. "You can borrow my clothes if you want to take a shower, the clean ones are in the blue basket in bathroom." After the shower pams slowly started to affect, I started to feel calmer and a little bit better, even shaking stopped. I was seriously tired, so I spreaded the sofa bed and fell on my back lying on the bed. I finished the cigarette and stayed for a long time staring at the white ceiling above me. In the morning, I would apologize to Nika. My body ached everywhere and tiredness finally forced me to close my eyes. I fell asleep in seconds.
"Janus? Jan, I couldn`t sleep."
I have never in my life woken up so fast. I got to sit säpsähtäen, trying to get my eyes to focus in the darkened room. Nika was standing motionlessly beside the bed, his hands squeezed in fists and face completely expressionless. "You couldn`t sleep?" I repeated slowly, trying to stop myself from remembering when I had heard that last time from the same lips, and where it had led. "Well, fuck, smoke a cigarette, drink a glass of milk, I don`t know, just try again. The dream will eventually come."
Blood roared in my ears when I looked down in my hands. Heart felt like it was trying to get through my chest, my fingers were shaking, and cold shivers crept down my spine. I felt uncomfortable and stupid - I didn`t know what to say. The silence seemed to last an eternity.
"Can I sleep next to you?"
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