"I don`t know how to take care of him", I mumbled looking away. Fuck, I didn`t even know how to take care of myself. I was 16 year old baby who had nothing to give to anyone. If I wasn`t in drugs or drunk, I was shaking for withdrawal symptoms and hated myself. I payed my messing around with sex, and my only property was old, broken photo of me and Nika in my pocket. In summer I slept in park benches, in winter in tunnels, I was completely worthless, society`s dirty parasite who had no direction in his life.
"Then their only option is to take him into custody, he can`t live with your mum and that man who abuses him. But you could at least come and see your brother, he is only crying after you.", Morpheus said with a sigh. I thought I had gone through a hell three months ago, but now even greater pain flashed through my body. "After me?" My voice trembled, "Are you sure?"
Morpheus smiled little sadly and lit his cigarette. "You, you! And he wont stop for a moment. He needs his brother now."
I was way too sober to listen him. Last customer had only given me black eye, and that meant I had no money to buy anything to escape the reality. But withdrawal symptoms were nothing compared to the pain Morpheus` words made me feel. Fear went through me in wawes, I was dizzy and felt like throwing up. All the old wounds were ripped open, and it hurt me. Hurt more than ever before - more than you could imagine human is able to stand. My whole past seemed to flash in my mind, from Nika`s birth to the moment I left, and I wanted to scream.
I was afraid how Nika would react seeing me in the door. I would be greeted by a huge amount of disgust and bitterness, a tremendous amount of fear and outright hatred, and I did not know what I could say or do when confronted with it all. There was nothing I could do to fix or erase what had happened.
The door was opened by middle aged woman with warm smile and tired eyes. Six people were introduced to me - social workers, police officers, a nurse. I did not hear their names or see their faces, just shake hands with people with my trembling hand, while seeking Nika among them. I was already about to ask where he is, but the words died on my lips when my eyes met the young man seated on the couch.
Nika had changed in three months to total stranger. He stared at me blankly, knees against his chest and arms wrapped around the legs. He was skinny, face narrow and plain, his hair dyed. Blond angel curls were gone, replaced by messy black hair sticking to every direction. Dimples were gone too, and in his reddish eyes you could not see the warmth and brightness that used to be so characteristic to him. And there he just quietly, staring at me, without saying a word. I did not know that young man, he was not the Nika I had expected to meet.
I turned my eyes away from blue eyes quickly, I had to.
People were talking after talking, I nodded from time to time to show I was listening, but honestly I didn`t understand a word. Meaningless words about social services, support and assistance, AA-groups and substance abuse work, mum and some man`s court case, my unfinished school, apartment, Nika`s school. I stared straigh in front of me, without being able to focus my eyes to anything. My eyes were burning, and I was feeling sick.
"Janus? Are you sill in favor of taking Nika into custody?", the same woman who had opened the door asked. I did not dare to look at Nika, but I sensed he had risen to his feet. "Jan, I beg ..." he whispered softly, voice trembling from tears he hold back. "Do not let them take me away from here."
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