Mum found again her old friend booze and taking care of Nika was more and more often on my shoulders. I was kid myself, not even six yet, but I wanted to take care of him as well as Erik had done. I learned to change his diapers right after funeral, gave my old toys to him and told stories at night. All hate towards Nika was gone, only endless love was left. I laid on the floor and pouted my lips. Nika crawled to me, gave slobbery kiss and laughed. I had learned to love that laugh, dimples in his round face, everything in him. Every time I heard door closed after mum went to bar, I got up from bed and sneaked to Nika`s bed. I kissed his soft lips and said good night.
From some of the men my mum took home I remember only vaguely scraping beard on my face, sweaty and harsh hands on my body and beer-stinking breath on my mouth. Mum threw them out immediately she heard they had touched me, but blamed me for it. I had spoiled his dream prices, I had made them more interested about me than her, everything was always my fault.
Nika was seven years old when mum saw me kissing him in the porch. She shouted and raged completely drunk, tore Nika inside, and smashed the door close in front of me.
Ever since I didn`t exist to mom. I became invisible, non-existent, and my mom no longer even looked at me. I wasn`t allowed to play with Nika, to speak with him, to touch him. I walked in my own home like some fucking ghost, without getting any reaction to my words or actions. I feeded with silence and shame my anger that has growed inside me for years, until I didn`t even recognise myself anymore. I couldn`t understand then, and not really even now, how mother can reject her own child like that.
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