We slept with the "outcasts", under stars and fumes. Nika came to sleep next to me and wrapped his left hand around me. One would expect that by now I would have already gotten used to it, but being near him still made me nervous. It made me anxious and afraid, but in some weird way also soothed me.
I was just about to fall asleep when I felt Nika`s hand sliding down on my stomach and touching bare skin just above the pants' waistline. It felt like an electric shock, I couldn`t move even though a voice in my head screamed and told me to run away. Then my body betrayed me. My lower abdomen and crotch started burning. When I realized what was happening, I got a panic attack, I trembled and tears blurred my vision. Memories flashed in my mind and made me want to throw up. Probably concerned of my reaction, Nika moved his hand to my shoulder. That freed my body from fear paralysis and I ran stumbling away from Nika.
When I had calmed down a bit, I started to feel guilty. I was the one who had hurt Nika, he would have had the right to feel like this, not me. Nika walked over to me hesitantly and said softly: "I apologize Jan, I should have understood that it was even more traumatic to you."
I grabbed his hand and said firmly: "I don`t want you to feel guilty, what happened wasn`t your fault. I was the one who made a horrible deed, I hurt you." When I noticed the situation`s intimacy, I let go of Nika`s hand and looked away, feeling self-conscious. "Come, lets go to sleep."
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