Alex Foster chapter 16

Six months later, mum got out of jail, I guess she was pitied and actually her only crime was to do nothing. Still, I couldn`t understand how she was able to get custody of Nika, even though Nika didn`t trusted on her even the little bit what he trusted on me, and refused to speak or listen to the mum. In a week, it became clear that it didn`t work. Nika didn`t obey mum at all, and hung out in the city late in the evening unless I asked for him to come home and sometimes in spite of it. Mum still treated me like a ghost, if she didn`t yell to me about Nika`s behavior. 

In the school where I had went for three months, I faced name calling, laughing, spitting and beating for both of us. I didn`t care what they thought of me, they despised me without knowing me, knowing what I had experienced, but I didn`t let them hurt Nika. 

But classmates were not the only ones who gave me black eyes and broken noses and ribs. Mum had of course not stopped running at pubs and brought home the same sick bastards as before, I guess no one else would have even looked at her. Mum thought they were dream-come-true princes and didn`t believed they could have hurt Nika. The matter was not helped by the fact that Nika didn`t say anything, so both at home and at school I tried to defend Nika and tell about bullying and abuse, only to hear that I was a liar and picking a fight. 
  
It was a cruel and cold world, people didn`t care a shit about what happened to the poor brat, and Nika was not able to defend himself. I had to watch when he fucked up his school, and how the scars appeared in his wrists. The worst part, however, was when Nika three months later, in his 12th birthday, appeared late in the evening in my room completely drunk and tried to kiss me. I tried to forget what had happened a year ago, I pushed gently but firmly Nika farther and locked in the bathroom. 

I listened to almost half an hour Nika`s shouting, swearing, crying and confessing his love behind the door, until he finally passed out on the hallway floor. I carried Nika to our room and tucked him in the bed, and I realized that things couldn`t go on like this. When a couple of days later, Alex came to ask Morpheus` contact information and told me about his escape, I knew that it was our only chance to escape this life that wouldn`t lead to anywhere but to the bottom, to dead end from which the only escape is death.

Alex Foster chapter 15

I acted completely instinctively, reacted without thinking further; I grabbed Nika's hand when he got up and he spun around forcibly. I regretted my reaction immediately. Tears fell down his pale cheeks, endless agony and pain shined in his eyes. That was it - that's what I had feared and expected to see from Nika.

"You don`t have to ever forgive me, and  you are not even supposed to do so." I began, trying to search for the right words. "But I want you to understand that I`m really so fucking sorry for what I did. I should never have done it to you, I should never have touched you that way..." 

But the right words didn`t come. The right words didn`t even exist - no word spoken would change what has happened, and the few words didn`t mattered a shit compared to pain tearing him. My act couldn`t be explained or compensated in any way. 

"Don`t you fucking idiot get it?" Nika suddenly asked, frowned his eyebrows from disbelief, and snorted like he was talking to small child who didn`t listen when he was supposed. "You left me. You get away. No other thing have a fucking difference. I'm your fucking brother for God`s sake, same flesh and blood, and you left me here alone!" 

Then I realized for the first time that something was seriously wrong in Nika. He wasn`t angry about what I had done to him, but that I had left him alone. 



When the bathroom door slammed shut, I stood up. I hardly could have slept any longer, I was already nervous and embarrassed though it was only morning. I made cofee for us and dug breakfast from the fridge. Nika's face was, as usual, expressionless when he looked at meats, cheeses, breads, and cereals I had put on the table. Then he looked me in the eyes and grinned. 

"Yeah, you will be good housewife someday." Nika said amusement in his voice, and I could have laughed at the sheer surprise and joy. Pale face`s dimples had stood out just long enough that I knew they were still there, and before so characteristic smile had briefly shown in his eyes. My heart threw a cartwheel and I couldn`t help but grin back. 

"Don`t expect too much, you spoiled little brat.", I muttered smiling. Maybe this, after all, could still become something. 

Nika ate with a good appetite many loaves of bread, threw his coffee to his throat and get his backpack.  He threw his jacket on, put his shoes on quickly and carelessly, and shouted hello from the door. I stared after him smiling foolishly. 

Maybe I could still get my brother back. 



 

Alex Foster chapter 14

Nika's breathing slowed, his hand trembled slightly and light sigh escaped between his lips. I knew he had woken up, but I didn`t say anything. I squeezed my eyes close, and I tried unsuccessfully to get my heart to beat more calmly. The neck`s skin felt clammy and cold when Nika pulled his head further, and I felt something in my throat as his eyes drilled holes in my face. He raised his hand a little, put it in my chest, and just stared at me.

Time seemed to have stopped completely, I don`t know how long we layed here motionlessly, I pretending to be sleeping and Nika studying me with his eyes. After a period that seemed like an eternity, Nika suddenly pulled his hand away, sat with his back towards me and spoke.

 "I know you are awake."
 
I wanted to argue with that, continue to pretend I was sleeping, but still I turned my eyes to the t-shirt covered back.

"How did you know that?"  
"I make you nervous."

 I didn`t know what to say again. I had expected to meet completely different kind of person, I had expected fear, bitterness and disgust. I had imagined Nika would still be the same boy I remembered, but I was sitting in front of a complete stranger, young man whose voice didn`t tremble when he spoke to me. I could not read any kind of emotion from his face, and his eyes didn`t reveal anything he had in his mind. The atmosphere was oppressive and heavy, waiting.

"I don`t know what I should say."
Muffled laugh.
"You could apologize me for a start."

Ice cold stone dropped in my stomach , poison spread into the veins, and breathing became almost impossible.

 "I'm so fucking sorry about what happened," I whispered, feeling the familiar burning in the eyes and pressure in the throath. "I would give anything, fuck just anything, if I could get it somehow undone. I never, I never ... I'm so fucking sorry. "
 
Nika`s shoulders sank and he was shaking. I had never felt so bad before, and I would have wanted to run away. Leave. Get pissed and forget. 

"You left me," Nika whispered voice trembling. "Fuck you."

Alex Foster chapter 13

Fuck. What the hell was wrong with Nika? Maybe I didn`t have the right to even think about it, but the situation was weird and made me feel anxious. Nika should have loathed me, fear me, anything else but this. I would have been able to respond and react to it - the wrath I would have understood and accepted.

"Oh, I think it would be better, however, if you try yet -"
"Please, just tonight."

I looked up to Nika, but his face remained still completely expressionless. It was too dark to see his eyes properly, but it seemed like he hadn`t even blinked them at all. When I said nothing, Nika interpreted  it as affirmative reply. He lifted my blanket and slid next to me on his back. I didn`t dare move, just sit straight like a stick, staring at my hands again.

Awareness of the fact that there was only few inches of air between us made my whole body shudder. I didn`t want to be so close to him, it didn`t feel good. I was afraid that if I accidentally touched his leg, he would understand it immediately wrong, and get frightened.

"Can we sleep now?" Nika whispered, and I could swear my heart skipped beats.

Slowly, trying to avoid any kind of physical contact, I slid back on my back next to Nika. I felt his gaze in myself, and forced myself to close my eyes. The Diapams I hade taken few hours earlier seemed to have lost their effect entirely - there was no longer peace.

If I had thought I had been nervous, it was nothing compared to the panic that struck me when Nika moved. Sofa bed yelp quietly when Nika moved his leg against mine, causing my entire lower body burst into flames. His hand went up to touch lightly my ribs, as to test where they were, and then wrapped it all over my chest. Nika's body was pressed against me softly, stubbornly. I bit my tongue and held my breath when Nika put his face against my neck.

He fell asleep almost immediately. His arm`s grip around me loosened a bit, and breathing became smoother, calmer. Even so, he didn`t let go or turn away from me, no, he was sleeping, wrapped in me, and I even thought I felt his lips curved into a smile - exactly like back then.

I didn`t sleep all night even a minute.

Alex Foster chapter 12

I would have given anything to get out of there, under all of these eyes, into another dimension, where there was no pain or fear, into paradise where drugs took me. "You owe it to Nika, you owe him a hell lot more." Voice in my head seemed to blow up my mind, and I couldn`t get away from it. I couldn`t reject Nika again, not after what I had done. I would never make up for what has happened, but I had to stay to support and protect him, even if it meant I have to suffer. Nika deserved so much more.

"Oh fuck," I said scratching my head and staring at the floor. "Can you please tell yet again, what would happen next  if I stayed here?" And more talking. I rather sensed than saw Nika sit back on the couch, and I once again failed to understand a word from the speech they gave to me now with a little more hopeful tone. When I got tired of pretending to listen to or understand, I nodded.

"Okay, I'll try," I sighed, avoiding people's eyes. "We`ll try."  

Nika didn`t answer. The police left quickly, they have enough other work to do. The nurse gave me a packet of Diapams - I nedeed to be able to sleep the first night peacefully. In the future, I would get them from a nearby health center one day at a time, they didn`t want to risk by giving me an armful of pills at once. The social worker said she would come in next day to check the situation and tell what happened next. My cessation treatments and support groups would start as soon as tomorrow, no longer drugs. Even a single mistake, and Nika would be taken directly to school home. I would be turned, with the help of numerous parties, into rational, responsible adult who could take care of his little brother. 

I stayed foolishly standing up in the hall, staring at the closed door. When I finally turned around, Nika had lit a cigarette. He was still sitting with his knees bent in front of him and his eyes followed me as I forced myself to sit in the opposite armchair. 

"Since when you have been smoking?"
"Since when you have been interested in my doings?"

Fuck. My hands were still shaking as I put couple of pams under my tongue. I lit a cigarette, glancing around at the same time. The apartment looked almost excatly like it had looked three months ago, the only change was Nika`s bed wasn`t in the living room. I should have immediately apologized, to try to explain right now.  Say at least something, anything at all. I searched the words in my mind, but they all sounded like goddamn  stupid and meaningless, insignificant. Nika stub out his cigarettes against the surface of the table, without removing his eyes from me even for a moment. I had to grab a third Diapam even though the previous ones were not yet fully melted; I was too nervous. 

"You look terrible."
 
I grinned without wanting to, and dared to quickly take a look at Nika. I couldn`t read anything from his face, it still remained impassive. Bruise in my eye had became colorful and flashy, my lower lip was swollen and deformed looking. My clothes were shabby and worn, hair dirty. I didn`t afford to argue with him, so I shut up and  nodded.

"I`ll go to sleep", Nika said standing up. "You can borrow my clothes if you want to take a shower, the clean ones are in the blue basket in bathroom."  After the shower pams slowly started to affect, I started to feel calmer and a little bit better, even shaking stopped. I was seriously tired, so I spreaded the sofa bed and fell on my back lying on the bed. I finished the cigarette and stayed for a long time staring at the white ceiling above me. In the morning, I would apologize to Nika. My body ached everywhere and tiredness finally forced me to close my eyes. I fell asleep in seconds.

"Janus? Jan, I couldn`t sleep."

 I have never in my life woken up so fast. I got to sit säpsähtäen, trying to get my eyes to focus in the darkened room. Nika was standing motionlessly beside the bed, his hands squeezed in fists and face completely expressionless. "You couldn`t sleep?" I repeated slowly, trying to stop myself from remembering when I had heard that last time from the same lips, and where it had led. "Well, fuck, smoke a cigarette, drink a glass of milk, I don`t know, just try again. The dream will eventually come." 

 Blood roared in my ears when I looked down in my hands. Heart felt like it was trying to get through my chest, my fingers were shaking, and cold shivers crept down my spine. I felt uncomfortable and stupid - I didn`t know what to say. The silence seemed to last an eternity.

 "Can I sleep next to you?"

Alex Foster chapter 11

"I don`t know how to take care of him", I mumbled looking away. Fuck, I didn`t even know how to take care of myself. I was 16 year old baby who had nothing to give to anyone. If I wasn`t in drugs or drunk, I was shaking for withdrawal symptoms and hated myself. I payed my messing around with sex, and my only property was old, broken photo of me and Nika in my pocket. In summer I slept in park benches, in winter in tunnels, I was completely worthless, society`s dirty parasite who had no direction in his life.

"Then their only option is to take him into custody, he can`t live with your mum and that man who abuses him. But you could at least come and see your brother, he is only crying after you.", Morpheus said with a sigh. I thought I had gone through a hell three months ago, but now even greater pain flashed through my body. "After me?" My voice trembled, "Are you sure?"

Morpheus smiled little sadly and lit his cigarette. "You, you! And he wont stop for a moment. He needs his brother now."

I was way too sober to listen him. Last customer had only given me black eye, and that meant I had no money to buy anything to escape the reality. But withdrawal symptoms were nothing compared to the pain Morpheus` words made me feel. Fear went through me in wawes, I was dizzy and felt like throwing up. All the old wounds were ripped open, and it hurt me. Hurt more than ever before - more than you could imagine human is able to stand. My whole past seemed to flash in my mind, from Nika`s birth to the moment I left, and I wanted to scream. 

I was afraid how Nika would react seeing me in the door. I would be greeted by a huge amount of disgust and bitterness, a tremendous amount of fear and outright hatred, and I did not know what I could say or do when confronted with it all. There was nothing I could do to fix or erase what had happened.


The door was opened by middle aged woman with warm smile and tired eyes. Six people were introduced to me - social workers, police officers, a nurse. I did not hear their names or see their faces, just shake hands with people with my trembling hand, while seeking Nika among them. I was already about to ask where he is, but the words died on my lips when my eyes met the young man seated on the couch. 

Nika had changed in three months to total stranger. He stared at me blankly, knees against his chest and arms wrapped around the legs. He was skinny, face narrow and plain, his hair dyed. Blond angel curls were gone, replaced by messy black hair sticking to every direction. Dimples were gone too, and in his reddish eyes you could not see the warmth and brightness that used to be so characteristic to him. And there he just quietly, staring at me, without saying a word. I did not know that young man, he was not the Nika I had expected to meet. 

I turned my eyes away from blue eyes quickly, I had to. 

People were talking after talking,  I nodded from time to time to show I was listening, but honestly I didn`t understand a word. Meaningless words about social services, support and assistance, AA-groups and substance abuse work, mum and some man`s court case, my unfinished school, apartment, Nika`s school. I stared straigh in front of me, without being able to focus my eyes to anything. My eyes were burning, and I was feeling sick. 

"Janus? Are you sill in favor of taking Nika into custody?", the same woman who had opened the door asked. I did not dare to look at Nika, but I sensed he had risen to his feet. "Jan, I beg ..." he whispered softly, voice trembling from tears he hold back. "Do not let them take me away from here."

Alex Foster chapter 10

Childish defiance burned in Nika`s eyes when he sneaked in my room at night, sat on my bed and smiled his most nerve-racking smile. "I can`t sleep", he uesd to say, and with a sigh I let him under my blanket. He was soft and warm, his arms wrapped instantly around me and his face buried in my neck. It was unbelievable how fast fell asleep there, hanging on to me, smiling. These nights I started to hate Nika again, he stole my family, broke the last good thing I had. I lay awake for hours, motionlessly staring the ceiling, until finally I always woke up Nika and told him to go away.

Year later I stole my mum`s boozes. It made me feel dizzy and forget everything so I kept doing it. I quit school, got friends who were much older than me, spent less and less time at home and hated my family more than ever before. As it always goes, tolerance grows fast and soon I started to use drugs. These cost real money which I of course didn`t have, and when I was 14 I gave my body to dealer for few ecstasy pills. It was sick and disgusting at first, but you get numb at everything as time goes.

 I turned 15 and summer started, when mum said she was going to send me to school home. She said she couldn`t care less what I do with my life, but I wasn`t part of their life anymore. I was bad role model to Nika, mum`s golden boy, who admired me and wanted to be exactly like his big brother. She said it would be better if I took overdose, I would do favor to whole world.

Blinding rage was tearing me apart and I was completely helpless in front of it. I wanted to hurt my mum, hurt her as much as she had hurt me. Hurt Nika, that bastard, who made my life so difficult, because of who I was in bottom. If Nika hadn`t been born, maybe mum would have loved me. LSD took me on bad trip, I was messed up, panicked and paranoid.

I didn`t remember much about it afterwards,  and at some point I refused to remember that night at all. I was so in drugs that I can see it only as disgusting flashes that make me hate and loathe myself more and more each day: Nika`s small fists in tight grip, his back tisted for pain, tears in his face and blood on the sheets. Regret and self-loathe hit me at the moment I understood what I had done. I didn`t take anything with me, didn`t say sorry, didn`t even looked at him. I left him in the bed, ran out of the house I used to call my home, and throw up. I throw up over and over again, I throw up until only bloody mess came out.

In three months I had almost completely managed to deny it ever happened, to deny I even have a family. I had built walls around me for lies and self-deception, let drugs suck me in completely with them.

Then one day, when I was sitting in underground tunnels because there was warmer, not far from my previous home, hungry and already hands shaking little for withdrawal symptons, man named Morpheus came to talk to me: "Hey, I can see you haven`t had an easy life. I don`t know what has happened between you and your family, but now is good time to start over. I can help you clean, but you have to take a hold of yourself. Your brother needs you," he said looking away, " to take care of him and support him."