A Map of Veins

A mind dripping pus and inflammation
miswired and gnawed into pieces.
Tainted by grotesque lust -
if I am so pure and wise and sweet,
why can`t you meet my eyes?

Reaching for a flesh vessel,
a map of veins to guide me home.
But all I found was smoke and mirrors.
Blue gaslight, burning in it`s coldness and lies.

I found children, gotten lost on their way to adulthood.
I drowned to show them the way, to see them leave when it became
too close, too safe, too visible.
But it`s ok, they always left me one new piece,
more medicine to whisper in your cracks.

I embrace you with my loose ligaments, with
my nerves frizzling from bright noises and screeching colors.
Love, they say, is celebrated for its resilience.

- Lenni Alen

 Inspired by and the first and last lines loaned from the awesome Vanessa Rochelle Lewis/Jezebel Delilah X!

Loneliness and yearning

Do you know the feeling of soul deep emptiness, the burden you feel even on your best days, when you are genuinely happy? The loneliness that can`t be filled, no matter how many loving and supportive relationships you have? The yearning that, yes, does include physical desire. But the hardest to bear is the yearning for love and connection. Every cell of my body aches to be a part of a boy`s live, their friend and a mentor. Is it wrong? And can I ever have it?

A letter to myself and my fellow MAPs

I`m sorry you are treated so cruelly, called a monster and dehumanized even by people who say they love you. Because they simply dont know, could never imagine you are one of them. Those others "who should be locked away, who are all evil".

But that`s not true, you are not evil. You are a beautiful, empathetic being, and your feelings and thoughts dont change it. Thoughts dont cause harm unless acted on, and you have never and will never do it.

I`m sorry you have deeply hated and been disgusted of yourself because of those messages. I am sorry you been deeply hurt, invisible, scared of being seen for so long. But not a day more. You deserve to be treated as a human being as much as everyone else.

You’ve had a rough time so far haven’t you? Stuck with an attraction you never asked for. I want you to take a moment of silence for the pain you’ve felt because of this. You’ve lived with a lot of stress from the fear and secrecy that no one around you could ever understand truly. It’s okay for you to take a moment to mourn that time lost in your life that you might’ve otherwise enjoyed.

During that silence, did you hear it? Your heart beating triumphantly in your chest? That means you won and are still winning. Hold on to that heartbeat. Your anguish is valid and real but so is moving on and living without it.You’re allowed to move past the shame. You’re allowed to live without this being a burden to you.