A Map of Veins

A mind dripping pus and inflammation
miswired and gnawed into pieces.
Tainted by grotesque lust -
if I am so pure and wise and sweet,
why can`t you meet my eyes?

Reaching for a flesh vessel,
a map of veins to guide me home.
But all I found was smoke and mirrors.
Blue gaslight, burning in it`s coldness and lies.

I found children, gotten lost on their way to adulthood.
I drowned to show them the way, to see them leave when it became
too close, too safe, too visible.
But it`s ok, they always left me one new piece,
more medicine to whisper in your cracks.

I embrace you with my loose ligaments, with
my nerves frizzling from bright noises and screeching colors.
Love, they say, is celebrated for its resilience.

- Lenni Alen

 Inspired by and the first and last lines loaned from the awesome Vanessa Rochelle Lewis/Jezebel Delilah X!

How to Love a Woman who has been to Hell & Back

This is what it`s like to love a borderline woman. My platonic partner is diagnosed (and my mum clearly has it too). How I have been warned by her and other people to stay away, but I love her. She is not a mess, but a beautiful, sensitive, intense and fragile being. One of the truest and most mentally and emotionally intimate persons I know.

"The Woman Who Has Been To Hell And Back Is Not Easy To Love.

Many have tried. Most have failed.

The weak need not attempt, for it will take more strength than you even know you possess; more patience, more resilience, more tenacity, more resolve. It requires a relentless love, one that is determined and not easily defeated.

For the woman who has been to hell and back will push you away. She will test you in her desire to know what you are made of, whether you have what it takes to weather her storm. Because she is unpredictable—at times a hurricane, a force of nature that rides on the fury of her suffering; other times a gentle rain, calm, still and quiet.

When she is the gentle rain that falls in time to her silent tears, love her.

When she is the thunder and lightning and ferocious winds that wreak havoc, love her harder.

She is a contradiction, a pendulum that will forever swing between fear of suffocation and fear of abandonment, and even she will not know how to find the balance between the two. Because today, although she will never tell you, she will feel insecure. She will want you to stay close, to tuck her hair behind her ear and kiss her on her forehead and hold her in the strength of your arms. But tomorrow she will crave her independence, her space, her solitude.

For while you have slept, she has been awake, unable to slow her thoughts, watching clocks and chasing time, trying to make the broken pieces fit, to make sense of it all—of where and how she fits. She fights her demons and slays her dragons, afraid if she goes to sleep they will gain the upper hand, afraid if she goes to sleep she will no longer be in control. Tomorrow she will be tired, and your presence will smother her. She will need only herself.

When she reaches out to you, love her.

When she pushes you away, lover her harder.

New situations and places and people and experiences will make her anxious. She will be fiercely independent and long to overcome her fears, all the while as terrified as a small child alone in the big world. Sometimes she will need to be courageous, to prove to herself she has what it takes. Other times she will need you to take her hand and hold it firmly in yours. Sometimes she may not know what she needs, and you will need to read her like a book with worn pages and a tattered spine and be what she needs when she does not know herself.

When she is brave and steps into the world on her own, love her.

When she is scared, but refuses to take your hand, love her harder.

She will live in fear of not being enough and always being too much—an endless battle to find the middle ground. Ashamed if the scale falls one way or the other, ashamed to be herself for no one has ever loved her both when she is small and also when she is tremendous.

She will always love you with caution, with one foot out the door. For she does not understand a love with no conditions, one that is powerful enough to withstand hard times. She cannot allow herself to fully trust in your love, and she will keep parts of her heart hidden—the parts that have been hurt the most, the parts she can’t risk being hurt again when she has worked so hard to stitch them together.

She will always watch, wait and expect you to leave first. And when you don’t, she has a truth written upon her heart that says you will—it’s only a matter of time, for everyone who loves her leaves her. And so she will seek to sabotage the relationship; she will seek to destroy it, she will seek to leave first, she will seek to hurt you before you can hurt her. This is how she stays in control, this is how she survives, how she will ensure she will not get hurt again.

When she wants to love you, love her.

When she wants to hurt you, love her harder.

Being out of control terrifies her. Don’t ever make her feel powerless, trapped or without her freedom. She needs to dance barefoot under enormous blue skies, to feel sand between her toes, to run with wolves as the wind weaves magic through her hair, for here is where her healing is found. Never clip her wings, for if she has the freedom to fly, she will always come back to you.

Love her when it’s easy, and love her harder when it’s not.

Love her in a way that will defy all she has ever known love to be.

Love her because you understand with every fiber of your soul the gift of her love, what it has cost her to offer you her fragile heart.

She does not need you. She has chosen you.

Because you have what it takes to survive the storm.

Because even when she doesn’t know how to love, you know how to love harder."

Written by Kathy Parker 

Alex Foster chapter 21

We slept with the "outcasts", under stars and fumes. Nika came to sleep next to me and wrapped his left hand around me. One would expect that by now I would have already gotten used to it, but being near him still made me nervous. It made me anxious and afraid, but in some weird way also soothed me.

I was just about to fall asleep when I felt Nika`s hand sliding down on my stomach and touching bare skin just above the pants' waistline. It felt like an electric shock, I couldn`t move even though a voice in my head screamed and told me to run away. Then my body betrayed me. My lower abdomen and crotch started burning. When I realized what was happening, I got a panic attack, I trembled and tears blurred my vision. Memories flashed in my mind and made me want to throw up. Probably concerned of my reaction, Nika moved his hand to my shoulder. That freed my body from fear paralysis and I ran stumbling away from Nika.

When I had calmed down a bit, I started to feel guilty. I was the one who had hurt Nika, he would have had the right to feel like this, not me. Nika walked over to me hesitantly and said softly: "I apologize Jan, I should have understood that it was even more traumatic to you."

I grabbed his hand and said firmly: "I don`t want you to feel guilty, what happened wasn`t your fault. I was the one who made a horrible deed, I hurt you." When I noticed the situation`s intimacy, I let go of Nika`s hand and looked away, feeling self-conscious. "Come, lets go to sleep." 

Loneliness and yearning

Do you know the feeling of soul deep emptiness, the burden you feel even on your best days, when you are genuinely happy? The loneliness that can`t be filled, no matter how many loving and supportive relationships you have? The yearning that, yes, does include physical desire. But the hardest to bear is the yearning for love and connection. Every cell of my body aches to be a part of a boy`s live, their friend and a mentor. Is it wrong? And can I ever have it?

A letter to myself and my fellow MAPs

I`m sorry you are treated so cruelly, called a monster and dehumanized even by people who say they love you. Because they simply dont know, could never imagine you are one of them. Those others "who should be locked away, who are all evil".

But that`s not true, you are not evil. You are a beautiful, empathetic being, and your feelings and thoughts dont change it. Thoughts dont cause harm unless acted on, and you have never and will never do it.

I`m sorry you have deeply hated and been disgusted of yourself because of those messages. I am sorry you been deeply hurt, invisible, scared of being seen for so long. But not a day more. You deserve to be treated as a human being as much as everyone else.

You’ve had a rough time so far haven’t you? Stuck with an attraction you never asked for. I want you to take a moment of silence for the pain you’ve felt because of this. You’ve lived with a lot of stress from the fear and secrecy that no one around you could ever understand truly. It’s okay for you to take a moment to mourn that time lost in your life that you might’ve otherwise enjoyed.

During that silence, did you hear it? Your heart beating triumphantly in your chest? That means you won and are still winning. Hold on to that heartbeat. Your anguish is valid and real but so is moving on and living without it.You’re allowed to move past the shame. You’re allowed to live without this being a burden to you.

Alex Foster chapter 20

As we drove, on the roadside alternated vast corn fields and dry, barren desert, in the middle of which stood factories, drilling sites and nuclear power plants. Eventually we arrived at the trailer village. The villagers watched us from a distance, wary, until finally one of the men came to talk to us. "What are you here for?" he asked, sounding suspicious and harsh. At first I thought he was old, as he was stooping and tired-looking, but looking more closely I saw that his skin was not wrinkled - he could not be older than forty yet.




When I told I had helped Arya and therefore fled the police, the villagers welcomed us. They were still watching us warily, but invited us to eat around the campfire. Arya cut off the silence with a laugh: "I came with you here in the middle of the desert, but I know hardly anything about you. Could you tell me your secret? " We were glancing at each other, until finally I started. "Well, I was homeschooled for eight years. And I`m also a trans man." I was a little bit nervous to say the last sentence, Echelon and Frank were the only ones who knew it. Everyone, however, viewed it casually; as Arya said, "It does not matter what you have in your pants, but what you have in your heart. And you're the bravest person I know. "

"I am a former professional video game player, but I stopped competing a couple of years ago when I got tired of being a celebrity. I`m also genderfluid and I have dyspraxia." Frank said, smiling shyly. “Dyspraxia? What it means?” Arya asked. "It`s a neurological disorder that affects cross and fine motor coordination, and sometimes also speech. Daniel Radcliffe has it too." Frank explained.




Echelon told that she worked as a teacher in Unschooling Center, which was far from an ordinary teaching job. “Well, my secret you already know”, Janus said tensely. “Jan..You don`t have to talk about it if you don`t want, they will surely understand.”


“I don`t want to be afraid that they will find out about it and turn their backs to me. Besides, these incidents have made me who I am, how anyone could ever truly know me unless I talk about it?” After the story was over, a long silence fell; no one could find the right words, even though we were empathetic. It was cut off when Nika said, looking straight into our eyes: “And my secret is that I love him, as more than a brother, despite what he has done.”

Alex Foster chapter 19

Xavier turned and looked at Janus: “Don`t you know? Next week they will pass a law that makes it mandatory for everyone in UCSA to have RFID tag under their skin. You can`t stay there or you will get caught. Janus and Nika, you can stay if you want. Me and other Harlequins are gonna start jamming the system, swapping the codes in RFID tags. Then everyone will appear guilty and the chaos will force them to back up. But you can`t risk being arrested. Do you have a plan where to go?”

“At first to Unschooling Center where I´m working, and then to Wasteland. We don`t know what to do then.” Echelon answered. Janus continued: “And we will go with them. I know it`s not a safe place for Nika, but we need a new start and they need us.” 

The Unschoolin Centre was a huge complex built from cargo containers. The children were taught not only regular school subjects, but also programming, electronics and noetic sciences.  The most important thing, however, was that there was taught independent thinking and learning, collaboration, problem solving and empathy. It was the perfect place to train New Children: children (both Angels and ordinary humans) who were the next step in human evolution. Angels literally, but all children had more compassion, a strong intuition, anxiety from broken systems and a need to create better ones. 

 

I loved the children and hoped I could stay and learn with them, but we had to keep going. At least I knew this world would be in good hands someday. We took Unschooling bus and drived to Wasteland. It was owned by Monsanto, fracking and nuclear power companies. The whole area was almost unlivable:  polluted with radiation and chemicals, full of litter and suffered from drough. The people who lived here, had either refused to join United Corporate States of America, or had been exiled. They were hungry and hard people, suffering from different kinds of illnesses. They didn´t trust outsiders, but they helped those who had the common enemy: the United Corporate States of America.

Forgotten Children Epilogue

5 years later

Alex and Luca where sitting under each others arms on the stairs of their house, in a former Angel City, when Liam crept behind them and threw a water-filled balloon at them. Luca jumped up, shouting  "Damn brat!", and started to chase Liam, laughing. "I`m not a kid, I turned 18 a month ago!", Liam protested and made everyone laugh. "Oh, little one, adulthood doesn`t depend on age but maturity", Nick answered. "But don`t worry, I`m totally a kid too." And as to prove it, he grabbed Liam from his waist and lifted the flailing boy on his shoulder.

"Alright kids, let`s calm down. Time to go to work.", Bill said jokingly with his "teacher`s voice".
Bill, Liam and Nick (who was studying psychology) walked through the city towards the school. There no longer lived as many Angels in the city as before, they had found work and set up their families around the country. However, the city had not died, as it had became the world's first money-free city. Also, all consensual relationships where accepted in the city, including polyamory and consanguinamory (consensual incest). The people in relationships also receive support and protection, they are even defended in court if necessary. This has attracted residents to the city, as well as the education of children according to Unschooling philosophy. Many are opposed to government schools` indoctrination and lying, but not everyone has the opportunity to teach their children themselves.

Tom headed to the construction site in the other side of the town, and Luca and Alex, who worked at home (Luca as an artist/author and Alex as a journalist), were left to sit on the sunny porch together.
They were happily unaware of the oil running out, the State`s excessive debt and the collapse of dollar, catastrophes which were looming in the future and would lead to a new nightmare.

Two Eyes Closed

I walk on the edge of the sky,
dancing, with a firm step,
yellow umbrella in my hand.
The golden light shines on my toes.

Two eyes closed
I see the universe
and I hear the laughter of the wind.

- Lenni Alen

Forgotten Children 22. chapter

I stood with a gun in my hand, ready to shoot, when I saw a 13 year old boy among the protesters and was shattered. Even though he had a scar in his cheek, from corner of his mouth to his ear, I recognized he was my cousin who had been taken 3 years earlier. But wasn`t he supposed to be in some institute, where people tried to cure him and where he worked for the society? Why he had a scar? What had happened to him? Slowly I started to understand, like fog had withdrawn from my mind.

The truth, which I had always known but refused to see, hit me straight in the face. I dropped my gun and buried my face into my hands, weeping. The other soldiers seemed to understand the same thing, and soon almost all of them had dropped their weapons. Battle, fear and torture was finally over. But what would happen next?

In the following days Angel Friends Society sent interviews of Angels on TV, and in a few days, almost all Americans were on their side. A week later, the authorities finally gave up, resigned and the Angels were freed. Mr. Shadows held a speech in Washington, which was also shown live on TV:

"Last week, we opened our eyes and saw the cruel world, a world where children are sold and kept as slaves. But I know that we will be able to work better. It's time for a new society. Society, which is based on cooperation and democracy, not regulations and control. For society without winners and losers, society where people take care of and respect each other. Never again will any person be regarded as a slave or treated as inferior. Never again will anyone be used as a tool for obtaining money or power. Never again will we close our eyes from the suffering of others, or let fear and hatred blind us. "

I created a support group for non-offending boylovers

So, I  created support group for non-offending boylovers and girllovers in FB. Please join! Rules: no sexual content or images, no outing anyone. Welcome :) https://www.facebook.com/groups/318055798399480/

Turning 18, coming out, finals :)

Hi, I haven`t written here for a while... I still don`t have a new chapter, but thought I would write about myself a little. 

So, I just turned 18, and we celebrated it in London, where I also met my awesome friend Cherylee! :) She is 53, but we surprisingly lot in common. 

I have also came out as transgender to my parents about two months ago. mum doesn`t seem to believe, and dad doesn´t really care one way or another. Apart from my haircut and few clothes, nothing has really changed. 

What else...Fall`s final exams went well, I will most likely graduate this year and go to university to study genetics.  I`m also lightworker nowadays :)


Well, I will get back soon

Why support full marriage equalty?

A Call to Solidarity

Most people are familiar with the struggle of gays and lesbians to have the freedom to marry in the USA and many other places around the world. Some people can remember the struggle for interracial marriage in the USA. When someone cites the freedom for polygamous marriage or consanguineous marriage, some people dismiss those ideas. As disappointing as that is, it is not surprising.

Some LGBT people don’t understand the desire for polygamous or consanguineous marriage, often because the LGBT people discussing the issue aren’t interested in such relationships, or they find the very idea of them repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.

Likewise, some people may want the freedom to polygynous marriage, but don’t understand polyandry or grouping, or same-gender marriage, or consanguineous relationships, or even interracial relationships, and find those ideas repulsive, and so they don’t see why those other relationships should have the freedom to marry.

And there are people involved in heterosexual consanguineous relationships who don’t want to get married and don’t understand or are repulsed by same-gender relationships or polyamorous relationships, and so don’t see the need for those groups to have the freedom to marry.

There are people who experience Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA) who refrain from acting on their feelings and want to stop other people from acting on their GSA, or they don’t believe in or condemn FSA (Familial Sexual Attraction, which is between people who were not separated like with GSA), and don’t understand the need for consanguineous marriage.

Like many heterosexuals, some LGBT people do not want to get married, and may struggle to see just how important the freedom to marry is.

There are interracial couples in the USA who have exercised their freedom to marry, something that would have been denied to them not long ago, who do not see the need for others to have their freedom to marry.

All of these people have something in common. They all face denial of their rights, discrimination, and sometimes worse in many places around the world just because they don’t pass the sex-negative, heterosexual, monogamous, “racial purity” or nonconsanguineous tests set up by those who want to force everyone else to conform to their narrow view of sexuality and marriage, or want to keep other people from having what they have.

It’s all a matter of fairness and equality. Equality just for some is not equality. A person has the right to not only have a relationship with, but marry the consenting person or persons of his or her choice. It is time to allow everybody to exercise this right. We can get there if we have solidarity. Don’t just stand up for your freedom to marry; stand up for the freedom for all to marry. Don’t just be an ally for a friend’s right to a same-gender marriage; stand of the rights of all. That’s true marriage equality.

You don’t have the like what other people choose to do. If you don’t want a same-gender relationship, or a poly relationship, or an interracial relationship or a consanguineous relationship, or you do not want to get married under any circumstances, that is your choice and you have that freedom. But you should support the rights of other people to choose for themselves. Love is love.

The next time someone says the freedom to marry someone of the same gender will lead to polygamy or incest, instead of throwing other people under the bus, respond with something like, “What’s wrong with letting consenting adults do what they want with each other? I support marriage equality, period. Would you want someone telling you that you couldn’t get married?” We need to let people know that it isn't okay to discriminate. We need to reach out to everyone who is seeking the freedom to marry and let them know they aren't alone.

In addition to fairness, marriage equality will aid the health of those who will finally be able to marry. It will add stability to their relationships and increase stability in communities.

There are people you know - people in your family, neighbors, coworkers, police officers, postal carriers, firefighters, teachers, people of all walks of life - who don't have the freedom to marry the person or persons they love. That's not right.

Let’s all stand up for true equality: full marriage equality.

Tobe

 My boyfriend, Tobe <3 He is the Sweden to my Finland (literally ;) Well, "boyfriend", we are both agender :) Sorry, this propably doesn`t interest anyone else :D And you will get new chapter when exam week is over :)

Alex Foster chapter 18

The club was crazy. There was half naked, pierced and weirdly dressed people dancing on some song by Blood on the Dance Floor (I regonised it because Frank had used to listen them) and making out with anyone like it was the last day of their life. When I saw their glowing eyes, I realised it might well be.

They had all used some kind of party drug that stopped them from feeling tiredness, hunger or pain, and instead gave them insatiable sexual desire and euphoria. Sometimes they didn`t work and gave unpredicable emotions and aggression, that`s why they were called freakers. Suddenly young man with unnaturally blue eyes came towards us and said grinning: “Wow, you look shiny, Jan! I never thought you were into dress up games!” Janus rolled his eyes, “Shut down your screamer, Xavier. Pigs are after us, we need you and other Harlequins. Can you hide us?”

I raised my hands: “Hey, wait a minute. Who he is? I`m not going to trust a guy I don`t know.” Janus looked away, clearly embarrassed, and started: “He is Xavier, he gave me his sedatives for sex. He was much nicer than other dealers and let me sleep in his apartment, so slowly we get to know each other. I told him my life story and he told me how his parents had sended him to boarding school. He is bisexual and bi-polar, so of course he was bullied, and when he was 15 he had jumped off the rooftop, trying to kill himself.”

“I almost died for cement poisoning. I ended up in coma, brain damaged and most of my bones broken. I was in coma for three months, and during that time they gave me brain implant. It stimulated the repair of brain tissue, and allowed me to control my artificial limbs after I woke up, but as a programmer and hacker I soon figured out other ways to use it. I had lost part of my memory, and of course couldn`t study last two years again, so they simply connected it to computer and downloaded everything to my brain. “,Xavier told.

“When I get out of hospital year later, I started to develop better operation system and internet browser for the implant. With it, I can surf in Internet, make a phone call or send a text message using only my brain. I am also able to “talk” with anyone who has implant silently, inside our minds. Best part is that no one can manipulate you or send messages directly to your brain. The messages go to implant, and you can choose if you want to watch it. I`m currently trying to make an implant that would use quantum entanglement istead of radio waves. It would be impossible to hack it, and you couldn`t pretend to be someone else, even if you knew their private key.”

I stared at him amazed, and I could see that Frank practicaly worshipped him too. Janus wasn`t as pleased, though. “Okay, you can continue your science lesson some other time. We need some safe place to hide from cops, and I would rather have it today.”

Xavier

Alex Foster chapter 17

”Okay, we will go to Combat Zones,but what we are gonna do with A`rya? She can`t go outside with those wings and scorpion spike, we would get caugh immedistely.” Echelon remembered us. I thought about it for a moment and got an idea. ”Hey, are our roleplaying costumes still somewhere? We have to wear cargo jeans, hiking boots, leather jackets and shooting gloves anyway, in case we need to go to Wasteland. Let`s take some knives and bows with us, maybe masks too, and pretend we are going to roleplaying.”

Others agreed, so we changed clothes, packed survival equipment, and took old noisy train to Combat Zones. Before Oil War it was known as New Jersey, but now it was hard to regocnise anymore, the whole state had gone Camden.

The state had had high unemployment rate and lot of debt, and when oil and food prices had skyrocketed and corporations went bankrupt or left the city, the whole state, along with many others, had crashed. USA had tried to save it`s citizens, and went on all-against-all war with China, Russia, and many African and Middle Eastern countries, but though it won some countries it didn`t change anything. Finally in 2046, five years after oil had run out, USA was unable to pay it`s debt or feed it`s citizens. It went bankrupt and sold California and Mid West to multinational corporations, the rest states, with less natural resources but more people, went to China.

Combat Zones was the Edge, border between United America and Wastelands. This was poor, crime ridden area, known by gang violence and low police activity. Only small, unmanned planes and even smaller flying cameras, known as “flies”, watched the area. As we walked to night club called Dancing Devil, I sighed. I had never thought this would be the safest place for me to be.

Alex Foster chapter 16

Six months later, mum got out of jail, I guess she was pitied and actually her only crime was to do nothing. Still, I couldn`t understand how she was able to get custody of Nika, even though Nika didn`t trusted on her even the little bit what he trusted on me, and refused to speak or listen to the mum. In a week, it became clear that it didn`t work. Nika didn`t obey mum at all, and hung out in the city late in the evening unless I asked for him to come home and sometimes in spite of it. Mum still treated me like a ghost, if she didn`t yell to me about Nika`s behavior. 

In the school where I had went for three months, I faced name calling, laughing, spitting and beating for both of us. I didn`t care what they thought of me, they despised me without knowing me, knowing what I had experienced, but I didn`t let them hurt Nika. 

But classmates were not the only ones who gave me black eyes and broken noses and ribs. Mum had of course not stopped running at pubs and brought home the same sick bastards as before, I guess no one else would have even looked at her. Mum thought they were dream-come-true princes and didn`t believed they could have hurt Nika. The matter was not helped by the fact that Nika didn`t say anything, so both at home and at school I tried to defend Nika and tell about bullying and abuse, only to hear that I was a liar and picking a fight. 
  
It was a cruel and cold world, people didn`t care a shit about what happened to the poor brat, and Nika was not able to defend himself. I had to watch when he fucked up his school, and how the scars appeared in his wrists. The worst part, however, was when Nika three months later, in his 12th birthday, appeared late in the evening in my room completely drunk and tried to kiss me. I tried to forget what had happened a year ago, I pushed gently but firmly Nika farther and locked in the bathroom. 

I listened to almost half an hour Nika`s shouting, swearing, crying and confessing his love behind the door, until he finally passed out on the hallway floor. I carried Nika to our room and tucked him in the bed, and I realized that things couldn`t go on like this. When a couple of days later, Alex came to ask Morpheus` contact information and told me about his escape, I knew that it was our only chance to escape this life that wouldn`t lead to anywhere but to the bottom, to dead end from which the only escape is death.

Alex Foster chapter 15

I acted completely instinctively, reacted without thinking further; I grabbed Nika's hand when he got up and he spun around forcibly. I regretted my reaction immediately. Tears fell down his pale cheeks, endless agony and pain shined in his eyes. That was it - that's what I had feared and expected to see from Nika.

"You don`t have to ever forgive me, and  you are not even supposed to do so." I began, trying to search for the right words. "But I want you to understand that I`m really so fucking sorry for what I did. I should never have done it to you, I should never have touched you that way..." 

But the right words didn`t come. The right words didn`t even exist - no word spoken would change what has happened, and the few words didn`t mattered a shit compared to pain tearing him. My act couldn`t be explained or compensated in any way. 

"Don`t you fucking idiot get it?" Nika suddenly asked, frowned his eyebrows from disbelief, and snorted like he was talking to small child who didn`t listen when he was supposed. "You left me. You get away. No other thing have a fucking difference. I'm your fucking brother for God`s sake, same flesh and blood, and you left me here alone!" 

Then I realized for the first time that something was seriously wrong in Nika. He wasn`t angry about what I had done to him, but that I had left him alone. 



When the bathroom door slammed shut, I stood up. I hardly could have slept any longer, I was already nervous and embarrassed though it was only morning. I made cofee for us and dug breakfast from the fridge. Nika's face was, as usual, expressionless when he looked at meats, cheeses, breads, and cereals I had put on the table. Then he looked me in the eyes and grinned. 

"Yeah, you will be good housewife someday." Nika said amusement in his voice, and I could have laughed at the sheer surprise and joy. Pale face`s dimples had stood out just long enough that I knew they were still there, and before so characteristic smile had briefly shown in his eyes. My heart threw a cartwheel and I couldn`t help but grin back. 

"Don`t expect too much, you spoiled little brat.", I muttered smiling. Maybe this, after all, could still become something. 

Nika ate with a good appetite many loaves of bread, threw his coffee to his throat and get his backpack.  He threw his jacket on, put his shoes on quickly and carelessly, and shouted hello from the door. I stared after him smiling foolishly. 

Maybe I could still get my brother back. 



 

Alex Foster chapter 14

Nika's breathing slowed, his hand trembled slightly and light sigh escaped between his lips. I knew he had woken up, but I didn`t say anything. I squeezed my eyes close, and I tried unsuccessfully to get my heart to beat more calmly. The neck`s skin felt clammy and cold when Nika pulled his head further, and I felt something in my throat as his eyes drilled holes in my face. He raised his hand a little, put it in my chest, and just stared at me.

Time seemed to have stopped completely, I don`t know how long we layed here motionlessly, I pretending to be sleeping and Nika studying me with his eyes. After a period that seemed like an eternity, Nika suddenly pulled his hand away, sat with his back towards me and spoke.

 "I know you are awake."
 
I wanted to argue with that, continue to pretend I was sleeping, but still I turned my eyes to the t-shirt covered back.

"How did you know that?"  
"I make you nervous."

 I didn`t know what to say again. I had expected to meet completely different kind of person, I had expected fear, bitterness and disgust. I had imagined Nika would still be the same boy I remembered, but I was sitting in front of a complete stranger, young man whose voice didn`t tremble when he spoke to me. I could not read any kind of emotion from his face, and his eyes didn`t reveal anything he had in his mind. The atmosphere was oppressive and heavy, waiting.

"I don`t know what I should say."
Muffled laugh.
"You could apologize me for a start."

Ice cold stone dropped in my stomach , poison spread into the veins, and breathing became almost impossible.

 "I'm so fucking sorry about what happened," I whispered, feeling the familiar burning in the eyes and pressure in the throath. "I would give anything, fuck just anything, if I could get it somehow undone. I never, I never ... I'm so fucking sorry. "
 
Nika`s shoulders sank and he was shaking. I had never felt so bad before, and I would have wanted to run away. Leave. Get pissed and forget. 

"You left me," Nika whispered voice trembling. "Fuck you."

Alex Foster chapter 13

Fuck. What the hell was wrong with Nika? Maybe I didn`t have the right to even think about it, but the situation was weird and made me feel anxious. Nika should have loathed me, fear me, anything else but this. I would have been able to respond and react to it - the wrath I would have understood and accepted.

"Oh, I think it would be better, however, if you try yet -"
"Please, just tonight."

I looked up to Nika, but his face remained still completely expressionless. It was too dark to see his eyes properly, but it seemed like he hadn`t even blinked them at all. When I said nothing, Nika interpreted  it as affirmative reply. He lifted my blanket and slid next to me on his back. I didn`t dare move, just sit straight like a stick, staring at my hands again.

Awareness of the fact that there was only few inches of air between us made my whole body shudder. I didn`t want to be so close to him, it didn`t feel good. I was afraid that if I accidentally touched his leg, he would understand it immediately wrong, and get frightened.

"Can we sleep now?" Nika whispered, and I could swear my heart skipped beats.

Slowly, trying to avoid any kind of physical contact, I slid back on my back next to Nika. I felt his gaze in myself, and forced myself to close my eyes. The Diapams I hade taken few hours earlier seemed to have lost their effect entirely - there was no longer peace.

If I had thought I had been nervous, it was nothing compared to the panic that struck me when Nika moved. Sofa bed yelp quietly when Nika moved his leg against mine, causing my entire lower body burst into flames. His hand went up to touch lightly my ribs, as to test where they were, and then wrapped it all over my chest. Nika's body was pressed against me softly, stubbornly. I bit my tongue and held my breath when Nika put his face against my neck.

He fell asleep almost immediately. His arm`s grip around me loosened a bit, and breathing became smoother, calmer. Even so, he didn`t let go or turn away from me, no, he was sleeping, wrapped in me, and I even thought I felt his lips curved into a smile - exactly like back then.

I didn`t sleep all night even a minute.