I came out to my friend :)

I told to my friend Tobe yesterday that I`m boylover, and I was suprised how sweet he was. Of course we are close friends, but considering that he has almost been raped few years ago, I was sure he would hate me. I wanted to publish his reply to my previous post, I hope it will help other young boylovers too. Always remember, there is nothing wrong with your feelings.


"I see...
Well, it does not make you disgusting, what makes someone disgusting, is falling in love with people far younger than you, and then acting on those feelings in a sexual manner, a.k.a. pedophilia, and rape, and I know you would never do such an awful deed, so I say you're far from disgusting, you can't choose who you fall in love with, the important thing is what you do with those emotions, and that you think about the consequences of those feelings, but as long as you don't do anything that would be considered illegal or immoral, I'd sa you're not disgusting at all, I think you're just a lovely person who falls in love, like anyone does from time to time <3"

I miss him so fucking much

It`s been almost year since I understood that I`m boylover and sometimes I feel myself so lonely, although I have Rev, Michael and little Alex. I would have probably gone crazy without them, but imagine boyfriend can`t replace real people. I hope I would met somebody who understand how it feels like to love somebody you can never get, and know you will have these feelings for your whole life.

People think it`s easy to fight against your feelings, that it`s as easy as resist chockolate, but the need is must stronger. Being boylover is pretty much same as being alcoholist: you have to fight against your feelings every day, and sometimes it`s really hard. I`m scared that some day I`m not strong enough. I don`t wanna hurt anybody, even my thoughts make me feel sick and disgusting. But at the same time I wanna stop fighting, feel him in my arms, filling the hole inside me.

Luckily I have even Rev. I close my eyes, feel his arms around me, and pretend that he really exist, that at least he loves me unconditionally and protects me. But when bad day comes, even that is not enough.

R.I.P Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan 28.12.2009 I will always love you <3